New Creation Theory Seeks Inclusion In Kansas Curriculum

Far be it from me to proselytize for any religion, but I came across a unique and exciting movement that has entered the demand line for theory inclusion to battle it out against Evolution and Intelligent Design.

Apparently concerned Kansas citizen Bobby Harrison started out by writing a letter to the Kansas School Board and has since branched off into all out activism to vie for the inclusion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster universe creation theory. According to Bobby, the movement includes 10 million worldwide, and they are prepared to press the matter legally if need be:

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

One of the more interesting things about this particular worship group is the rather stringent dress code requirements necessary for proper respect to be shown in teaching this theory. Harrison explains that it is a necessity in order to avoid His wrath, and demonstrates through historical data how lack of compliance has affected society in the past:

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

Thus far, Harrison has received two responses from Kansas School Board member’s expressing their understanding of the gravity of the situation:

Response from Mrs. Sue Gamble – District 2 – Received 6/26/05
Date: Jun 26, 2005 6:34 PM
Subject: Reply

Dear Mr. Henderson, Thanks for your message. Thanks for the laugh. Your web site is fascinating. I will add your theory to a long list of alternative theories I intend to introduce when it is appropriate. I am practicing how to do this with a straight face which is difficult since it’s such a ridiculous subject; it is also very sad that we are even having the discussion.

I will be one of the four member minority who will be voting against the flawed science standards currently being proposed by the six member majority.

Sincerely, Sue Gamble

Response from Mrs. Janet Waugh – District 1 – Received 6/25/05
Date: Jun 25, 2005 6:34 AM
Subject: Response from a member of the Kansas Board of Education

Thanks for your comments about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all the supporters who have sent their support to members of the Kansas Board of Education. I am supporting the recommendations of the science committee and am currently in the minority. I think your theory is wonderful and possibly some of the majority members will be willing to support it.
Thanks again,

Janet Waugh

In closing, Shiver me timbers, matey, this could get ugly! Aarrrghh!

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18 Responses to New Creation Theory Seeks Inclusion In Kansas Curriculum

  1. 1
    Jake Squid says:

    Although I appreciate the scientific evidence brought forth on behalf of the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory of Intelligent Design, I have to support an older, more traditional theory of everything. To wit, Sammael the Blind Idiot God sometimes called the theory of Unintelligent Design. Think about it for a minute. The world makes a lot more sense if you realize that it was created by an all powerful being who is both blind and irrational. How else could the platypus or the Moral Majority possibly exist?

  2. 2
    Barbara says:

    Yes, that ought to be the punchline to the sad joke that Kansas wants to make of science: Believing in intelligent design doesn’t lead to any particular conclusion about who the designer was, exactly, and certainly not to the inevitable conclusion that the designer was a triune God.

  3. lol Jake … I always kinda imagined (even though I am atheist) some omnipotent diety waking up late one morning after a roaring bender the night before, with the mother of all hangovers and notices the platypus that has been apparently miraculously created on the coffee-table and goes “Dude, what the fuck was I drinking last night?!”

    I figure it was gin, after all, gin, as well all well know, is the fount of all evil … tequila, now, on the other hand …

  4. 4
    Nick Kiddle says:

    LOL! Terry Pratchett advances a theory, I believe in Small Gods, that the universe was put together by a bunch of the Supreme Being’s underlings in a desperate hurry right before some deadline. It would explain a lot…

  5. 5
    Kyra says:

    I hereby proclaim that the theory of Intelligent Design is flawed, lacking, and unfit for teaching in public schools due to the absence of the most important piece of information the theory should have:


    Awesome theory. Flying Spaghetti Monster and pirate costumes. Brilliant.

    But Jake Squid’s Unintelligent Design theory takes the cake. It does indeed explain things that Intelligent Design never will. Aside from the platypus and Moral Majority, there are such things as religions that tout celibacy while insisting that the same God who wants us to abstain from sex, also created humans so that sex is their method of procreation. Also the practice of naming professional baseball teams after various colors of socks. And how about the codpiece?

    For other theories, talk to Amanda at Pandagon about the Church of the Mouse and Disco Ball–they believe the Universe was coughed up by the Great Cat in the form of a hairball after the Goddess shooed Him off Her bed for attacking Her lover’s foot.

    Also how about the one with the Egyptian God Min jacking off, and forming the stars out of drops of semen. (Those would be the same stars that are depicted adorning the body of the Goddess Nuit, by the way.)

  6. 6
    Modern Major-General says:

    No, no, no! You guys have it all wrong!

    All matter, energy and what-all-else in the Universe (or rather, Multiverse), was formed when the three primordial entities; NIS (Chaos), W-E (Order) and the mysterious pseudo-lifeform known by many names including “the Craft” and “the Meta-Force” (Balance), met each other in open combat for the first time. After the Multiverse was created, NIS and W-E sought to dominate it, and the Craft resolved to create harmony by keeping the two of them in check.

    The three created agents to accomplish their missions. W-E formed the Sea-Urchin Collective, a race of psychic beings bent on the complete subjugation and domination of everything in existence and eliminating all semblance of individual thought. NIS created the great, omnipotent, omniscient and omni-voracious Zpltzu, Lord of Misery, Master of the Macabre and Gerent of Chaos. And the Craft worked through the Pangaean Gods, under the great Menokon, and founded the Order of the Craft, a coalition of sorcerers who channel the Craft-energies through mystical golden gauntlets.

    The Urchins were the ones who created Earth and genetically engineered life on it. Although Zpltzu briefly took control of Earth, in a bloody reign that lasted millions of years, the Urchins resumed power and have had authority over every human government since the time of Ancient Egypt.

    Or something.

  7. 7
    The Countess says:

    All I can say, in full agreement, is aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!!

  8. 8
    Krupskaya says:

    “Noodly appendage” makes me laugh until I weep.

  9. 9
    Helen says:

    Hey!! I have to stick up for the platypuses here. Lay off the platypus! They are very cute and have never invaded any other sovereign nation!

  10. 10
    Modern Major-General says:

    They are very cute and have never invaded any other sovereign nation!

    Not yet, anyway.

    Personally, I don’t trust any mammal that lays eggs and produces venom. That just ain’t right.

  11. 11
    ol cranky says:

    we’re all just sea monkeys in some kids dirty aquarium

  12. 12
    Thomas says:

    All kidding aside, it seems to me that one good strategy to attack these crypto-preachers is from the point of view of a non-Judeo-Christian religious tradition. A community member having a view that has historically been recognized as a religion, but with a very different creation story from the J/C one, is a good plaintiff to complain about how much the J/C worldview is incorporated into an “intelligent design” program. Say, Hindus, Shintoists, etc? Folks subscribing to indiginous faiths?

    (Most Pagans, Raelians, etc. make bad plaintiffs, in my view, because sadly they face the additional hurdle of convincing the judge that theirs is a real religion.)

    Ideally, a plaintiff would be a member of a traditionally recognized non-Judeo-Christian religion, and one with a fair number of adherents in the U.S., if not in that state or county. They would either (1) challenge the “intelligent design” curriculum as pushing a religious idea antithetical to their faith, or (2) demand equal time in the curriculum for the scientific evidence that backs up the broad outlines of their creation story.

    I’m too bad at comparative religions to attempt an explanation of the ways in which “intelligent design” is irreconsilable with the creation story of other faiths. Anybody want to take a shot at it?

  13. 13
    DP_in_SF says:

    Thomas: I’ll be that plaintiff. I’ve practiced Vedanta almost all my adult life, the whole nine yards, yoga, meditation, scriptural study, devotional chanting, pilgrimages to India. At the very least, intelligent design is anthema to our concept of advaita (non-dualism).

    Jake and Barbara: Your posts reconfirm my sincere belief that atheists are the only people capable of keeping the religious honest. Thanks.

  14. 14
    Thomas says:

    DP, if SF is San Francisco, then you realize the standing problem right away: I can’t speak with authority to the standing requirements to sue school districts over curriculum, but one would think at a minimum the plaintiff would have to be a resident and taxpayer in the district, and maybe a parent of a student. Where the curriculum is a state-wide matter, and if there is taxpeyer standing (I don’t know if there is), being a state resident might be enough- but California isn’t imposing statewide “intelligent design” that I know of. And if it is, we’re in bigger trouble than I thought.

    However, the notion that “intelligent design” violates the “non-dualism” tenet of Vedanta is useful information. I’m an ignoramus concerning Eastern religion. Can you unpack the “non-dualism” concept?

  15. 15
    Frida says:

    In the name of the Meatballs, the Sauce, and the Garlic Toast, amen.

  16. 16
    steve says:

    The AFA is doing a poll on evolution and ID.

    pass it on to all the intelligent secular science people.

  17. 17
    Dave says:

    I still have misgivings about this FSM religion. Do you just have to dress like a pirate or do you actually have to be a pirate? If global warming is a result of fewer pirates, then it would stand to reason that FSM followers should be real pirates and not just dress like them. Unless, of course, it was just the way pirates dressed that kept off global warming. Then I would understand.

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