Far be it from me to proselytize for any religion, but I came across a unique and exciting movement that has entered the demand line for theory inclusion to battle it out against Evolution and Intelligent Design.
Apparently concerned Kansas citizen Bobby Harrison started out by writing a letter to the Kansas School Board and has since branched off into all out activism to vie for the inclusion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster universe creation theory. According to Bobby, the movement includes 10 million worldwide, and they are prepared to press the matter legally if need be:
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
One of the more interesting things about this particular worship group is the rather stringent dress code requirements necessary for proper respect to be shown in teaching this theory. Harrison explains that it is a necessity in order to avoid His wrath, and demonstrates through historical data how lack of compliance has affected society in the past:
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
Thus far, Harrison has received two responses from Kansas School Board member’s expressing their understanding of the gravity of the situation:
Response from Mrs. Sue Gamble – District 2 – Received 6/26/05
Date: Jun 26, 2005 6:34 PM
Dear Mr. Henderson, Thanks for your message. Thanks for the laugh. Your web site is fascinating. I will add your theory to a long list of alternative theories I intend to introduce when it is appropriate. I am practicing how to do this with a straight face which is difficult since it’s such a ridiculous subject; it is also very sad that we are even having the discussion.
I will be one of the four member minority who will be voting against the flawed science standards currently being proposed by the six member majority.
Sincerely, Sue Gamble
Response from Mrs. Janet Waugh – District 1 – Received 6/25/05
Date: Jun 25, 2005 6:34 AM
Subject: Response from a member of the Kansas Board of Education
Thanks for your comments about the Flying Spaghetti Monster and all the supporters who have sent their support to members of the Kansas Board of Education. I am supporting the recommendations of the science committee and am currently in the minority. I think your theory is wonderful and possibly some of the majority members will be willing to support it.
In closing, Shiver me timbers, matey, this could get ugly! Aarrrghh!