So as you know, yesterday we found out that there’s a new kind of woman out there: the “cheetah,” a girl who dates guys slightly younger and/or hotter than herself, or possibly a date-rapist, or maybe just someone with low self-esteem, or maybe a cow giving the milk away for free. I’ve read the column several times, and still don’t quite get it. But anyway, cheetahs: they’re women who have sex.
Cheetahs, of course, are part of an increasingly ridiculously expansive meme in which women who have sex are given a cutesy feline equivalent. Are you an older woman who likes sex? Well, then you’re a cougar. A thirtysomething who likes college-aged boys? You’re a puma. Older than a cougar, but still daring to have sex? Spencer Morgan proposes “saber-toothed,” because you’re old. Get it? Get it? Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more?
Anyhow, all these feline descriptions got me to thinking: there are an awful lot of different members of the family Felidae, and many of them have not yet been used as pejorative cognomens to describe women who dare to enjoy sex.
That ends today.
Yes, today I’m happy to share with you a guide to all the many known cat names for different types of women. Feel free to clip and save this post; it will save you a lot of time, and allow you to deal with women as the strange, inhuman, bestial creatures they are, rather than as fellow human beings.
Bay Cats – Women age 24 to 29 who enjoy sex, surfing, and dating men either age 18-27 or older than 29, but never, under any circumstances, 28-year-olds. 28-year-old guys totally suck.
Barn Cats – Red-haired women from rural areas whose stated love for you will never completely cure them of their secret desire to seduce an unwitting international superspy into turning traitor.
Bobcats – Women named Roberta who are very attracted to men who detest Latvian cuisine, yet find Lithuanian cuisine sublime.
Caracals - Women who dare to like sex, yet find cutesy feline nicknames to be patronizing, demeaning, and dehumanizing. Silly little things, aren’t they, fellas? It’s almost as if they think they have feelings and desires of their own! Ah, women are funny creatures.
Cat Powers – Talented but mercurial singer-songwriters.
Cat Stevenses – Since 1977 conversion, are known as “Yusuf Islams.”
Cats – Women aged 35 years, 11 months, 12 days to 41 years, 10 months, 28 days who are incredibly turned on by Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. Except for Starlight Express, because, I mean, roller skates? Really?
Fisher Cats – Women over the age of 70 who enjoy threesomes with male gymnasts and/or models, but also secretly have a crush on the late Chris Farley.
Kittens - Creepy old men call ‘em “Jailbait,” creepy twentysomethings call ‘em “Lolis,” Humbert Humbert calls ‘em “Nymphets,” and John Derbyshire calls ‘em “A little long in the tooth.”
Lionesses - Women who go out and work hard while their lazy, no-good boyfriends stay home and play Wii all day. Wait — sorry, folks, that’s a negative stereotype about men. Obviously, please disregard this one.
Lynx – Women under the age of 27 who are between 5’10” and 6’7″ and who enjoy dating men shorter than 5’8.
Ocelots – Women aged 23 years, 2 months through 23 years, 4 months, who like to date men who once played professional jai alai.
Panthers – Women age 19 to 23 who engage in serial monogamy with men whose hair is shoulder-length or shorter. Often (but not always) like food, breathing air, and drinking liquid beverages of some sort.
Servals – You may confuse these brunette, left-handed waitresses aged 37 to 42½ who enjoy one-night-stands with circus roustabouts with their closely-related sisters, the Oncillas, but unlike Oncillas, Servals find the prose of Dan Brown to be somewhat stilted.
Shorthairs – Would be the cutesy cat name given to lesbians, except those bitchez totally get annoyed when my bros and I ask if we can videotape them, so they don’t get a cute cat name, so there.
Siamese Cats – Asian chicks. Amirite, guys? Amirite?
Smilodons – Women who live outside of Schenectady, New York, who prefer to date men who live in their parents’ basements and blog in favor of conservative politics. Favorite aphrodisiac? Cheeto dust.
Tigers – Women who actually like sex. The dirty sluts.
Tiggers – The wonderful thing about Tiggers/Is Tiggers are wonderful things/Their tops are made out of rubber/Their bottoms are made out of springs/Also, they love to receive oral.
Vampyrictises – Women aged 14 to 49 who are totally on Team Edward. Or Team Jacob. Or Team Larry. (I haven’t actually read the books, and my daughter isn’t a tween yet; my knowledge of them comes from Burger King commercials.)
Wildcats - Ironically, wildcats are actually pretty calm most of the time, unless you get them started on how bad Two and a Half Men is. Do not get them started on how bad Two and a Half Men is. You will never hear the end of it. Trust me.
York Chocolate Cats - Actually applies to all women, because as we all know, all women love chocolate. And diamonds. And flowers. And whatever other little trinkets and baubles you can buy them to keep from having to actually talk to them.
So anyway, that’s the list as it stands today, although it could probably use expanding. I mean, there are always more cat names, and always more demeaning stereotypes that can be applied to women, so I’m sure we’ll come up with more. Until then, though, I hope this list allows you, the trend piece writer and misogynist (but I repeat myself) to write great columns for your local shoppers, explaining precisely why women suck. Because nothing proves women suck more than men stereotyping them.