You know, I’m awfully hard on Republicans, but maybe I shouldn’t be. After all, they’re coming up with some unbelievably creative, out-of-the-box solutions to the many problems we face.
Take government waste. Decadent coastal liberals like me like to point to things like the Defense Department and corporate welfare. But what about the billions our government wastes on clothing for foster children? Nary a peep. That’s why it’s great to see deep thinkers like Michigan State Sen. Bruce Caswell, R-Adams Township.
Caswell has decided to do something about those freeloading foster children. And why not? I mean, think of all the money we lavish on those kids. Aren’t we really just encouraging other kids to end up without parents, or with abusive parents? I mean, the moral hazard alone is reason enough for us to look at these high-rolling wards of the state, and their demands for “food” and “shelter” and “someone to look after them.”
Caswell’s plan is as brilliant as it is obvious: let’s stop letting foster children buy new clothes:
Foster children in Michigan would use their state-funded clothing allowance only in thrift stores under a plan suggested by State Senator Bruce Caswell.
Caswell says he wants to make sure that state money set aside to buy clothes for foster children and kids of the working poor is actually used for that purpose.
He says they should get “gift cards” to be used only at Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.
Of course! I mean, why should foster kids get new clothes from swanky places like Target or Walmart or (gasp!) Sears when there are perfectly good clothes on the rack at the Salvation Army? Besides, it’s not like Caswell didn’t have to wear hand-me-downs when he was a kid:
“I never had anything new,” Caswell says. “I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was — and quite frankly it’s true — once you’re out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes.”
Right! And sure, those clothes may be from the 1970s, but they fit, right? No? Well, they kind of fit, right? No? Well, whatever, kid. Serves you right for picking your parents poorly. I bet they sell bootstraps at Goodwill! Let’s get you some used ones!
Of course, namby-pamby socialist communists who like Shari’a are all aflutter at this genius proposal:
“Honestly, I was flabbergasted,” [Michigan League for Human Services President Gilda] Jacobs says. “I really couldn’t believe this. Because I think, gosh, is this where we’ve gone in this state? I think that there’s the whole issue of dignity. You’re saying to somebody, you don’t deserve to go in and buy a new pair of gym shoes. You know, for a lot of foster kids, they already have so much stacked against them.”
Blah, blah, blah. You know what? If those kids wanted a pair of fancy Payless shoes, they should have been born into a stable family.
No, only a communist fascist could oppose Caswell’s proposal. My only concern is that it doesn’t go far enough. I mean, giving children used clothes? Isn’t that really just socialism? Why not gather up burlap and twine, and some scissors — no, make that razor blades, they’ll be cheaper — and have the kids make their own clothes! You know what they say, teach a man to fish, and he’ll wear poorly-made clothes.
But still…I mean, we’d be giving the kids the burlap, just like we’re giving them food and shelter. Now that I think about it, wouldn’t it be better if we just took all the foster children and set them loose in a landfill somewhere? They could forage for their own clothes and food and whatnot, and form their own societies! Why, I’ve read Oliver Twist, and if I remember, Oliver and The Artful Dodger and their friends had just a heck of a good time roaming the streets of London. And the best part is that it wouldn’t cost the state a penny!
That’s what we need to do — eliminate all social services for poor kids. It’s so perfect I can’t believe it hasn’t been pushed before. Why, it’s just like Jesus said: “I was rich, and you lowered my tax burden slightly by tormenting a poor kid. And Truly I tell you, whatever you did to one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine in order to make me richer, you did for me.”