Mike and I play a game when we’re angry in a “what’s happening to society??!?!!” way. When we’re driving, usually, and can’t vent in other ways.
It goes like this. You start at some place in the alphabet, and use that as the first letter of an animal name. You then state that you have an army of that animal.
For instance:
I have an army of aardvarks.
Then you describe how your army is going to create social change.
But there’s a rule: no violence.
For instance:
I have an army aardvarks. They will snuffle at conservatives with their long, prehensile noses until the conservatives collapse in a fit of giggles and become happy enough that they no longer feel the need to deprive gay people of the happiness of marriage.
Then the next person moves to the next letter, same parameters.
I have an army of bees. They will flutter about, buzzing in beautiful harmonies, until everyone joins hands, sings kumbaya, and grants everyone equal rights.
In the advanced version, there’s no reason to limit yourself to animals. Use anything you like!
I have an army of cubists. They will paint society in a myriad of confusing yet awesome ways until no one can remember wtf was up with homophobia.
I have an army of dungarees. Everyone will wear them and be cool, and stop being jealous of queer people for being cooler than they are.
Emphasis on being silly or cute. Further emphasis on making you and the other person laugh so you can feel better and move on.
I have an army of bonobos!
They will just fuck happily in order to resolve disputes and show us all a better way, ushering in an age where all violent conflicts are replaced with gigantic squishy orgies. Suicide-bombings are replaced with surprise-blowjobs. The population of Israel skyrockets as horny people from around the world immigrate. The Republican party is disbanded amid arguments over whether gay sex is merely wonderful, or actually the best thing ever.
—Myca
Go horny bonobos! Go and save the WORLD!!!!
I have an army of caudipteryxes. Everyone will get one to ride and adore, and it will be their very best friend, and everyone will be too busy paying attention to caudipteryx racing to bother with evil.
I have an army of eggplants. The inspiration to cook and eat eggplants will so overwhelm the world that all thoughts of war, discrimination, violence and hate will evaporate in a blissful cloud of culinary ecstasy.
P.S. I am stealing this game and bringing it to my brother’s for Passover! My niece and nephew will have a blast with it!
I have an army of ganjaganja. They will light themselves up and blow smoke directly into the noses of all insecure, ignorant, intolerant people … mellowing them out once and for all.
I have an army of hats. They will alight on everyone’s heads, giving them a chance to experience what someone else does and feels for a day, leaving them a little more open-minded and less quick to judge.
I have an impressive army of impassive Ice Birds. We’ll all be far too busy scraping at ice blocks and filling them from flavor packets (yum yum yum!) to have time to make war or anything mean like that.
I have an army of puppies. Petting them will reduce everyone’s stress levels and blood pressure to the point that universal health care is so cheap that it is pointless to deny it any longer.
I have an army of Katamaris. They will roll everyone in the world up into a giant ball, thereby making everyone realize that what divides us is not important, and also that the Earth is a strange and wonderful place full of things, deserving of our protection.
I have an army of internet geeks. They amuse, inform, and challenge each other and become each other’s community, even if they never meet face to face.
I have an army of musical theater geeks. They will convene a gigantic convention and the world will spend the rest of eternity discussing the differences between original casts and revivals of various musicals. And it will be great fun.