{"id":2450,"date":"2006-06-09T01:35:35","date_gmt":"2006-06-09T08:35:35","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amptoons.com\/blog\/archives\/2006\/06\/09\/oregon-pastor-predicts-god-will-smite-portland-gays-on-fathers-day\/"},"modified":"2006-06-09T01:35:35","modified_gmt":"2006-06-09T08:35:35","slug":"oregon-pastor-predicts-god-will-smite-portland-gays-on-fathers-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/?p=2450","title":{"rendered":"Oregon Pastor Predicts God Will Smite Portland on Father's Day"},"content":{"rendered":"

You heard it right, my friends – according to an Oregon pastor’s prophecy<\/a>, God so hates the queers, he’s prepared to destroy Portland<\/strong>. There will be earthquakes, floods, and buildings collapsing<\/strong> atop the LGBT Pride Parade. Thousands of queers (along with goodness knows how many non-queer allies and street vendors) will be sucked into the Earth’s gaping maw and crushed moments before their lungs fill with water and then they are finally killed by falling bricks. (Salem and the entire Willamette Valley are predicted to get it too, but I get the feeling that they’re just His collateral damage.)<\/p>\n

It sounds like a terrible Father’s Day, frankly. You’d think the Father of All would pick some other day for carnage, but no. And why us? San Francisco is much gayer<\/em>, Lord<\/strong>. Smite them! Smite them<\/em>!<\/p>\n

Here’s an intriguing detail from the Pastor’s dream – just in case anyone survives His earthquake, His flood and His collapsing buildings, God is conspiring to use terrorists <\/strong>to wipe out the survivors as they crawl from the damp rubble.<\/p>\n

I saw a group of men. I think that there was about twenty of them. They all had large automatic weapons. I had the feeling that they were terrorists but I’m not sure. There were a few survivors wandering around, dazed from their injuries from the earthquake. Whenever this group of men came upon anyone wandering around, they would kill them.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You heard that right, folks – God is working with the terrorists<\/em><\/strong>! Just like Saddam did!<\/p>\n

Well, I for one refuse<\/strong> to give in to God’s terror tactics and terrorist demands. I propose that on Father’s day, June 18th, every true-blooded American should have queer sex. And lots of it.<\/strong>. Do it whether you like it or not – because this isn’t about sexual pleasure, this is about standing up to the terrorists<\/em><\/strong>! If we don’t all have queer sex on Father’s day, then the terrorists will have won!!!<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the short time that remains, let’s prepare to Have Queer Sex For America<\/strong>. Here’s a helpful instructional comic book<\/a> (not <\/em>work safe) for any ladies who want to do their patriotic duty by having lesbian sex on the 18th, but aren’t quite clear on the details. I don’t know of any similar instructional comics for male-male sex, but there must be some out there, so keep your eyes open and ask your local comic book store owner. It’s also possible that there is, somewhere on the internet, a website with photos of gay male sex that guys can consult for ideas.<\/p>\n

If Father’s Day ends without anything happening then you can be happy that you had hot queer sex and return home. If something does happen then you can be happy you stood up for America, a thought which comfort you in the moments before the earthquake, floods, falling rubble and terrorists bring about your demise.<\/p>\n

The Pastor did say that people should “pass it on to whoever you know,” so below you’ll find his own description of the dream God sent him.<\/p>\n


\nA Warning for the People of the Willamette Valley<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

By: Lloyd Day, Pastor (day_tefilah@yahoo.com)
\nBeth Tefilah Messianic Congregation
\nSalem, Oregon
\nMay 2006<\/p>\n

[This is a description of a dream the Pastor had. –Amp]<\/em><\/p>\n

I was struggling with praying for the hurricane victims. I certainly want to pray for those who are suffering through this ordeal but at the same time I see all these things as judgments from God. My real prayer is that this country will wake up and realize that this is a judgment from God and repent of their evil ways. As I watched the aftermath of Katrina, I saw the enormous devastation and the very first business to open back up was a tavern. There was a Gay Pride Parade scheduled for before the Hurricane hit and I also understand that there was a Gay Pride Parade scheduled for New Orleans for after the hurricane. The promoters of this parade went ahead with it anyway. They were in a sense making an obscene gesture at God, just defying Him to try that again. These are suppose to be poor abused victims? What is it going to take before the people of this country realize the seriousness of what they are doing? How many more people have to die or loose everything?<\/p>\n

[I hate that typo. Not slamming Pastor Day or anything, anyone can make a typo, I’ve made plenty. But the “lose” vs “loose” thing, which is so common, I for some reason find very irritating. -amp]<\/em><\/p>\n

As I contemplated on these things, my mind shifted to here in Oregon. I had a dream recently: I heard a knock on my door and when I went to answer it, there were two men standing there. They looked like ordinary men but I had never seen them before. There was something different about them, although I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was one interesting thing, however. Whenever anyone comes up on our porch and knocks on the door, our dog will start barking very loudly. This time she didn’t. They told me that I had to gather my emergency things and get out of town as soon as possible. I stood there stunned for a moment. They said that God was going to bring judgment on this area.<\/p>\n

[Hey, he’s willing to dash into his car and drive away just because two strangers say that God says so? I think that if anyone wants an easy house to rob, they should look up the Pastor.]<\/em><\/p>\n

Then my mind shifted to the two angelic beings that warned Lot to get out of Sodom. I asked them if we had time to warn our family and friends, and they said to go ahead. I had my wife start calling while I went out and started packing emergency things into my pickup. These two men came out and started helping me. These men were very fast and efficient packers.<\/p>\n

[I like the detail about what good packers Angels are. I mean, Teamsters can pack pretty damn good, but I bet they’re like three-year-olds compared to Angels.]<\/em><\/p>\n

Some of the things I was packing in, they grabbed and threw to one side.<\/p>\n

[He had to leave his TV Guide collection behind. The Lord is hard.]<\/em><\/p>\n

I could tell by the urgency in their actions that this was no time to argue with them.<\/p>\n

It took us about and hour and fifteen minutes to get to the meeting place. We weren’t sure of what to do next so we started setting up a camp. After about twenty minutes someone from our congregation came in and joined us. Over the next two hours, more people in our congregation and family members arrived. After a little while, we felt a small trembling in the ground. We all kind of just looked at each other. We turned on a small radio to see if we could find out anything. We heard a report that a major earthquake had hit Portland and that major damage had occurred. The report also said that Bonneville Dam had collapsed because of the quake and that a wall of water was rushing down the Columbia toward Portland.<\/p>\n

My thought now shifted to where I was above all of this watching it all take place. There was a big Gay Pride Parade going on in downtown Portland when the earthquake hit and buildings came tumbling down on all of those there.<\/p>\n

[The Big Gay Pride Parade, featuring Big Gay Al!]<\/em><\/p>\n

Portland was in total devastation.<\/p>\n

[At least the super-ugly Fred Meyer building on Hawthorne probably doesn’t survive, then.]<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m not sure just how big the earthquake was but the number of 9.2 seems significant. There was also a major earthquake off the west coast that started a tsunami. Not too long after the quake in Portland, a wall of water from the collapse of the Bonneville Dam came rushing through Portland. A little while later another wall of water from the tsunami came up the Columbia River and it also came rushing through Portland.<\/p>\n

[All this rushing! Slow down a minute, floods, smell the roses.]<\/em><\/p>\n

Salem was also totally leveled by the earthquake. The loss of life in the whole Willamette Valley was enormous. As I looked around Salem, I saw a group of men. I think that there was about twenty of them. They all had large automatic weapons. I had the feeling that they were terrorists but I’m not sure. There were a few survivors wandering around, dazed from their injuries from the earthquake. Whenever this group of men came upon anyone wandering around, they would kill them. They seemed to be looking for anyone they could kill. There was no one to come against them. Finally, after a long while, some National Guard troops came on the scene but this gang had killed a lot of people by this time and when they saw the troops, they just faded into the rubble and escaped.<\/p>\n

[Damn those terrorists and their fade into rubble super powers!]<\/em><\/p>\n

Later as I thought through this, I tried to identify something that would give us an idea of the date it was going to take place. The only thing that I could identify was that there was a large gay pride parade in downtown Portland when the earthquake hit. So I set about to try and find out when the next big gay pride parade was scheduled in Portland. The answer to that came back as June 18th, which is Father’s Day.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You heard it right, my friends – according to an Oregon pastor’s prophecy, God so hates the queers, he’s prepared to destroy Portland. There will be earthquakes, floods, and buildings collapsing atop the LGBT Pride Parade. Thousands of queers (along … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[115],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2450","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-homophobic-zaninessmore-lgbtq-issues"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2450","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2450"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2450\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2450"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2450"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2450"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}