A few weeks ago my partner’s son B was here for the holidays, and as usual he and I spent a great deal of time together.\u00a0 I’m often curious about when and how kids learn about race, and I always observe how\u00a0B discusses race.\u00a0 He is a dark skinned black child, and I am a very fair skinned white person, which makes it fairly obvious to any on-looker that I am not his biological mother.<\/p>\n
In the past three years his understanding of race has changed.\u00a0 At the age of 4, he was fairly clueless about race.\u00a0 He knew people had different colors but had no concept of race.\u00a0 At 5, he used the racial terms “black” and “white” to refer to people on some occasions.\u00a0 However, his use of black and white didn’t necessarily follow with the rest of society.\u00a0 He called both the East Indian girl\u00a0and the\u00a0Chicano boy\u00a0at the playground black.\u00a0 Basically everybody who wasn’t pale white was black, and the deciding factor was skin color.\u00a0 Anybody darker than honey was black.\u00a0 (At 5, I also remember him asking\u00a0me why people were looking at us (he and I), but he never connected it to race.)<\/p>\n
Now fast forward to our Easter Holiday this year.\u00a0 He is 7, and his understandings of race\u00a0have changed.\u00a0 They conform more closely to social standards.\u00a0 His racial awareness is also heightened, when I am around him.\u00a0 I think there were a few interaction and exchanges where this was very clear.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In the first case, he and I had\u00a0taken the train to pick up daddy from work.\u00a0 Since I have never ridden the train with a child, I was overcharged.\u00a0 The conductor told me to exchange the ticket for the reduced family fair when we exited at our stop.\u00a0 I went up to the counter, and said to the ticket agent, \u00a0 “I need to exchange this ticket for my son because I was overcharged.”\u00a0<\/p>\n
He was standing right by me, and started laughing, “Why did you tell her I’m your son?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
I said, “I know you’re not my son.\u00a0 I was just trying to make it easier for her to understand.”<\/p>\n
B replied, “But she won’t think I’m your son.”<\/p>\n
I responded, “Why do you say that?”<\/p>\n
B said, “She might think you\u00a0took me because I’m black and you’re white.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I thought this whole exchange was revealing.\u00a0 He already has the sense that blacks and whites are separated–that black kids and white adults don’t look right to others.<\/p>\n
The second incident was even more interesting.\u00a0 B and I were shopping at a drug store, and the\u00a0following exchange ensued.\u00a0 When we went up to pay, he said,<\/p>\n
“Why were those people looking at us?”\u00a0<\/p>\n
Rachel: “What do you mean?”<\/p>\n
B: “Were they looking at me because I’m black and you’re white?\u00a0 They want to know if you are my mommy.”<\/p>\n
Rachel:\u00a0“Why do you think that?”<\/p>\n
B: (very matter matter of factly) “Because black kids have black moms.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “Can black kids have white moms?”<\/p>\n
B: (laughing at what he thinks is a joke) “Black kids can’t have white moms.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “So if I have a kid,\u00a0will that kid be black or white?”<\/p>\n
B: “White.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “If I have a kid with daddy, will that kid be black or white?” (For the record Daddy is black.)<\/p>\n
B: “White.”<\/p>\n
Rachel:\u00a0“But daddy’s black, and he would be the daddy?”<\/p>\n
B: “So the kid will be black.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “But I’m white, and I’m the mommy.”<\/p>\n
B: (Telling what he thinks is a really funny joke.) “It will be a purple alien baby.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “Not it won’t be an alien. It will be black and white. Did you know that some people are black and white?\u00a0 And some people aren’t either black or white.”<\/p>\n
B: “Really.”<\/p>\n
Rachel: “Some kids have black mommies and white daddies, and some kids have white mommies and black daddies.\u00a0 And sometimes a black kid can have a white mommy and a white daddy, or a white kid can have a black daddy and a\u00a0black mommy.\u00a0 That’s like adoption. Do you know what adoption is?”<\/p>\n
B: “When a black kid has a white mommy?”<\/p>\n
Rachel:\u00a0“No, adoption is when a mommy has and child but asks another mommy to take care of the child.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I think this was the end of the conversation, but I found it interesting how conscious he was of other people looking at him and me.\u00a0 He very clearly connected it to race.\u00a0 On a few occasions in the past, I have had children ask me if I was his mommy.\u00a0 It was very clear that race had a factor in these questions because they were posed with a sense of doubt.\u00a0 B even struggles with his interaction around me, frequently calling me mommy and then correcting himself or having me correct him.<\/p>\n
These are the kinds of issues that frequently come up in mixed race families. They are also faced by monoracial families even if they don’t realize it.\u00a0 The two white children who asked if I was B’s mommy were also confronted with their (mis)understandings of race.\u00a0 I do wonder if it would be different if I was the black one and he was white.\u00a0 Given that we live in a fairly rich area, where many upper middle class and upper class white parents have women of color as their nannies, it is not too uncommon to see black and brown women taking care of small white kids.\u00a0 However, a white women taking care of a black child is almost unheard of, which is why we probably get some many stares.\u00a0 To be honest I don’t notice the stares, but B does.\u00a0 I think I don’t notice the stares because\u00a0having been in an interracial relationship for a while\u00a0I’m used to stares.\u00a0 As a defense and coping mechanism, I tune out the stares.\u00a0 I generally act like I don’t see people starting because I don’t have the time or energy to explain to them why it is annoying.\u00a0 Moreover, you never know why people are staring. If the stare is the curiosity stare, I let it go, but if it is the hateful racism stare, I’m much more inclined to respond.\u00a0 It will be interesting to see if B develops the same defense mechanism.\u00a0 Hopefully, he’ll be here for the whole summer this year, which will give him time to get used to being with me<\/p>\n
Personally, I think these kinds of conversations are important to have.\u00a0 I don’t bring up race too much with B, but when he brings it up, I try my best to get him to understand that many of the common understandings of race are wrong. I haven’t taught him about racism, yet.\u00a0 Well, I did tell him about Rosa Parks because he saw a book about her, but apparently at 7 Junie B. Jones and Captain Underpants are way more interesting than Rosa Parks.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
A few weeks ago my partner’s son B was here for the holidays, and as usual he and I spent a great deal of time together.\u00a0 I’m often curious about when and how kids learn about race, and I always … Continue reading