{"id":4904,"date":"2008-10-09T21:53:59","date_gmt":"2008-10-10T05:13:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amptoons.com\/blog\/archives\/2008\/10\/09\/a-brief-announcement-from-bill-the-shakopee-slasher-werbenmanjensen\/"},"modified":"2008-10-09T21:53:59","modified_gmt":"2008-10-10T05:13:47","slug":"a-brief-announcement-from-bill-the-shakopee-slasher-werbenmanjensen","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/?p=4904","title":{"rendered":"A Brief Announcement from Bill 'The Shakopee Slasher' Werbenmanjensen"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"weirdo.jpg\"<\/a>I would like to announce that after an exhaustive and thorough investigation conducted by myself, it turns out I am not, in fact, the Shakopee Slasher<\/a>.<\/p>\n

While a strong amount of evidence seemed to indicate that I was the serial killer who, for fourteen years, murdered dozens of innocent young men by ritualistically disembowling them with a scythe — evidence such as my extensive collection of scythes, my cache of lye, the fact that 43 bodies were discovered on my property, and the fact that I confessed to the crimes, saying that my only regret is that I didn’t kill more — my own investigation shows that I was at home those 39 different nights, asleep in my bed, with my cat, Snuggles.<\/p>\n

This is, of course, a load off my mind. In recent weeks, the thought that I might be the Shakopee Slasher was a heavy load. For one thing, it put me here on death row, a place that I’d rather not be. For another, it means that sausage is probably deer sausage, and perfectly good. But most important, it means that I am now free to pursue my candidacy for the Vice Presidency of the United States.<\/p>\n

Now, some in the MSM may try to tell you that the evidence showing I am a serial killer is overwhelming. But you know how the MSM is. Who are you going to trust — me, or an effete liberal who hasn’t even known the glory of hacking into another human’s torso while they scream for mercy?<\/p>\n

No, my report is thorough and airtight, and while others may have their opinions, I know that I am a good man, and that young men the ages of 23-25 with tatoos need no longer fear that I will lay in wait for them in the dark of night. Thank you, and God Bless America.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I would like to announce that after an exhaustive and thorough investigation conducted by myself, it turns out I am not, in fact, the Shakopee Slasher. While a strong amount of evidence seemed to indicate that I was the serial … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":4,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[27],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4904","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-elections-and-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4904","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/4"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4904"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4904\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4904"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4904"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4904"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}