{"id":6064,"date":"2008-12-30T06:29:19","date_gmt":"2008-12-30T13:49:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amptoons.com\/blog\/?p=6064"},"modified":"2008-12-30T06:29:19","modified_gmt":"2008-12-30T13:49:07","slug":"dennis-prager-men-are-from-mars-women-are-frigid-bitches","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/amptoons.com\/blog\/?p=6064","title":{"rendered":"Dennis Prager: Men are from Mars, Women are Frigid Bitches"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"prageraccordian.jpg\"<\/a>As you may recall, last week Dennis Prager wrote a long and tedious column<\/a> about how women just don’t give up the nookie to their spouses enough, and how everyone would be happier if only women would stop worrying about whether they liked sex, and start just having it as part of their marital duties, because — and I think I speak for everything — there’s nothing hotter than having sex with someone who is doing so with the same excitement and joy that one brings to filling the dishwasher.<\/p>\n

Anyhoo, Prager left off by threatening to continue his insane rant. Many of us hoped that disaster could be avoided, but alas, Prager has now followed through, writing a follow-up that is, remarkably, even more pointless<\/a>. I’m not sure even where to begin, other than to say that I think it will soon become clear why Prager’s wives divorced him.<\/p>\n

After a brief reminder that Prager actually has written things before, he launches right into the “eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.” They begin in truly awesome fashion:<\/p>\n

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons — female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and\/or other work, just not being interested — there is little comparable to a man\u2019s \u201cout of nowhere,\u201d and seemingly constant, desire for sex.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Wow. Just…wow.<\/p>\n

Dennis — can I call you Dennis? — many of us have been in relationships. With women. Go figure. And you know what? Those women were, you know, in the mood more than once a year. I know, it’s crazy, but it’s true — women like sex<\/em>. They like it a lot<\/em>. Not being a woman, I can’t say for sure whether they like sex as much as men, but it’s pretty close, and frankly, I don’t know why we’d waste time arguing when we all could use that time to have sex.<\/p>\n

Now, if your wife wants to have sex with you once a season, that is a sign that there’s something wrong in your relationship. Indeed, it’s a sign she might not be sexually attracted to you<\/em> — because unless your wife is one of the small percentage of asexual Americans, for whom sex is simply not appealing, it’s vanishingly unlikely that your wife has not desired sex in a weekly span. If she doesn’t desire it with you<\/em>, then there are problems in your relationship — but not the sort of problems that can be solved by insisting that she should just have desireless sex.<\/p>\n

Prager really could just stop here — it’s pretty axiomatic that anyone who thinks women have no sex drives to speak of doesn’t so much understand anything about the human race, but he continues on:<\/p>\n

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Um…everything, Dennis. Everything. You think you don’t make decisions based on your emotions? Of course you do. You chose your job because you love to lecture and moralize — that’s an important decision, and one that clearly wasn’t made based on your actual talents.<\/p>\n

Prager wants to make “mood” into something silly and frivolous. And sometimes, it is — I’ve had sex when I wasn’t “in the mood,” but wasn’t not<\/em> in the mood either. I think everyone has. Nobody is rarin’ to go all the time, but sometimes, if your partner is interested, you decide to get interested, because even if you’re not that into it, you want your partner to be happy. If Prager had simply written that sentence and spared us the evolutionary psych bullcrap, he would have a point.<\/p>\n

But there’s “not really into it” and “actively not desiring it,” and the fact is that those two moods are on a continuum. Emotions are not binary, discrete things, as anyone who has emotions can tell you. Should you occasionally indulge a partner when you’re not that excited, but you aren’t that opposed, either? Sure — and that holds whether we’re talking about sex or a trip to the local farmer’s market. But should you feel obligated to do something you really don’t want to do tonight? No — and again, that’s true of sex and farmer’s markets.<\/p>\n

Of course, Prager manages to make this point more offensive:<\/p>\n

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because, as everyone knows, sex is to women as work is to men. It’s a duty. A responsibility. Moreover, it’s what men and women want. Men want sex, women want fat stacks of cash. Quid pro quo<\/em>, ladies, quid pro quo<\/em>.<\/p>\n

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can — indeed, ought to — refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because if I refuse to go to work, eventually I lose my house and die of starvation, whereas if my wife refuses to have sex with me, at worst she’s risking divorce. I’m glad we had this chat.<\/p>\n

So what gives women the idea that they have the right not to want to have sex? The sixties, of course! The decade that keeps on giving (to conservatives) made women believe they actually have, I don’t know, bodily autonomy or some crap:<\/p>\n

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one\u2019s feelings, became decisive: \u201cNo shoulds, no oughts.\u201d In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never \u201cshould\u201d have it. But marriage and life are filled with \u201cshoulds.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Again, there’s “feels like having it” and “feels like having it.” Nobody — nobody — is saying that a relationship involves no compromise, ever. But compromise is a two-way street, and while it’s okay for partners to try to balance everyone’s needs — indeed, it’s requisite — it’s also<\/em> important that partners take each other’s feelings into consideration. Again, I’d rather masturbate than have sex with someone who really didn’t want to, but was doing it out of pure obligation. And I really don’t understand people who feel differently.<\/p>\n

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her \u201cproperty.\u201d Of course, the very fact that she can always say \u201cno\u201d — and that this \u201cno\u201d must be honored — renders the \u201cproperty\u201d argument absurd. A woman is not \u201cproperty\u201d when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations — as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods — are likely to be the best marriages.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

A woman doesn’t owe her husband sex.<\/p>\n

If things in a marriage are happening because they’re “owed,” then there’s been a breakdown in the relationship itself. Women in healthy relationships desire sex, as do men. There may be some variance as to how much, but that’s something to work through before getting married — which, might I note, is a strong argument for sex before marriage.<\/p>\n

Prager notes that a woman can always say “no,” because even he won’t go so far as to advocate spousal rape, at least not overtly. But what he argues is that women can<\/em> say no, but really shouldn’t, you know, ever. Sex should be an obligation, like mowing the lawn or balancing the checkbook — it’s not something you skip. That sex is qualitatively different than a chore never seems to have gotten through Prager’s skull. I can’t imagine why he’s divorced. Twice.<\/p>\n

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women\u2019s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance — because women\u2019s feelings are of more importance than men\u2019s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed — she is in the mood for sex and he is not — our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Okay, that’s just nonsensical. You know why women’s feelings tend to get more play? Because men are still told by Prager and his compadres that emotion is a silly thing that’s best stifled and ignored. Men are logical and rational, except when we are angry, but that’s totally okay. Oh, and men always<\/em> want sex, because if you don’t, you’re either gay or a woman.<\/p>\n

Women’s feelings come up more because the feminist movement recognized that feelings are not something to be ignored. Incidentally, feminism says that about men, too — men’s feelings are indeed valid. And if a mismatch in sexual compatibility leaves one partner feeling rejected, he or she has every right to that feeling — and every right to tell their partner of that feeling.<\/p>\n

But of course, back in the first column, Prager said that men aren’t supposed to have to express their feelings, that women should just divine their knowledge of men from fat man skinny woman sitcoms and Dennis Prager columns, and that asking men to express their feelings is somehow wrong. Okay, fine. But if you don’t express your feelings, and your partner does, you can’t be surprised when your partner’s feelings get more discussion because — and this is important — your partner has no idea you feel that way<\/em>.<\/p>\n

In a healthy relationship, with open discussion, a partner can say, “you know, I really would like to have sex more often — I feel kind of rejected when you turn me down.” The other partner could respond to those feelings, both by reassuring and by talking about how to find a compromise that makes everyone happy. But that requires communication and honesty about emotions — something Prager says men should not be required to do. Because sex is important. Honesty and openness? Not so much.<\/p>\n

6. Yet another outgrowth of \u201960s thinking is the notion that it is \u201chypocritical\u201d or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one\u2019s feelings. One should always act, post-\u201960s theory teaches, consistent with one\u2019s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child\u2019s or parent\u2019s or friend\u2019s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one\u2019s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn\u2019t the payoff — a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home — worth it?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

You know, again and again, Prager shows that he really doesn’t understand sex, or love, or feelings, or the 1960s, or human beings. I really can’t even snark here.<\/p>\n

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is \u201cdehumanizing\u201d and \u201cmechanical.\u201d Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks — and she has every reason to seek it — it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I’ll joint Prager up to this point — there’s a difference between Movie Sex and Real Sex, and it’s destructive. But not the way Prager thinks. In Movie Sex, both partners know everything about each other through psychic connections. Because they both read the script, they know exactly what to do to turn the other one on. Because they have stage hands, they have 10,000 candles burning around the sunken marble bathtub filled with rose petals in which they are expressing their softly-lit love for each other.<\/p>\n

In real life, of course, sex is less scripted, and getting things right requires — I know, this is crazy — communication. Discussion. Talking about what works and what doesn’t. It can and should be good-natured discussion, but communication is going to need to happen.<\/p>\n

And incidentally, being romantic? That’s something both partners should try if they want a good relationship. There’s nothing bad about showing your partner that you love them. And indeed, there’s nothing bad about doing that even if it doesn’t lead to sex<\/em>.<\/p>\n

All right, you ready for Prager’s big finish? Bring home the crazy:<\/p>\n

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one\u2019s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one\u2019s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Wow.<\/p>\n

You know, if you “act happy,” that won’t make you happier. It’s true! Indeed, it may make you sadder, as you try to bottle up your feelings and show a fa\u00e7ade that is at variance with what’s going on inside. If you “act religious,” that’s nice — but if there’s a God, I misdoubt that She would rather deal with an honest agnostic than someone who cloaks themselves in piety. If you “act generous,” you may feel more generous — but if you do so resentfully, you won’t feel more generous for long.<\/p>\n

Indeed, there is something to be said for being honest with oneself about what one wants out of life, and how one feels — and acting that way.<\/p>\n

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, \u201cHad I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

I don’t know if it’s true, but I do know this — if the bright, attractive woman’s husband never told her his feelings, she can’t be held responsible for being a mind-reader. If he never told her that he felt rejected, then she can’t be faulted for not knowing it. And indeed, we don’t know that he did feel rejected — we don’t know anything about this case, other than Prager’s neatly-plucked quote.<\/p>\n

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband — if she doesn\u2019t love him, mood is not the problem — to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Except a mood is part of the mind. We can’t separate the two. I know, “emotion” and “logic” are supposed to be separate things, but they aren’t. We all have one brain, and one brain only.<\/p>\n

If her husband is a decent man — if he is not, nothing written here applies — a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Because sex is not a desirable end for women, not really, but maybe they can use it as a carrot to get their guy to go to work and maybe watch the kids once a week.<\/p>\n

Prager doesn’t understand women, not in the least — nor men, as far as I can tell. His columns might have some value for women who are unaware that humans are sexual creatures, but that value is more than swamped by their stubborn insistence that men will suffer silently, because that’s how men are.<\/p>\n

Here’s an alternate solution: you need to be honest about your emotions. You need to be direct with your partners. You need to communicate your feelings. Those are your responsibilities<\/i>. And they’re far more important than simply having sex whenever your partner wants it.<\/p>\n

Prager seems to think that sex is owed in a relationship, but emotional honesty is not. That’s a recipe for disaster, no matter who is wanting sex and who is hiding their emotions. The fact is that a relationship only works as long as both partners can stay on the same page, and that can only happen if both partners are aware of where the other is. A relationship can handle disagreements about the amount of sex that should be had. A relationship can’t survive, however, if one or both partners is simply not showing enough interest in the relationship to take the time to express their feelings.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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