I’ve been a wedding coordinator for almost a decade, and in that time I’ve attended hundreds of weddings. When I started this job, I assumed I’d wind up with lots of “wedding disaster” anecdotes. You know the stuff I mean: people saying “I don’t” at the alter, memorably hideous bridesmaids gowns, and all the other staples of TV sit-com nuptials. Happily, in real life nearly every wedding I’ve been at has been happy and gone off well. Even the near-disasters – such as the one where the bride’s gown wasn’t delivered – often turn out beautifully in the end.<\/p>\n
A column I read in Newsday<\/i> this week has reminded me of the exception – the worse, most miserable wedding I’ve ever attended. This was eight years ago, not long after I had begun as a wedding coordinator. The groom was African-American. The bride was white. And the families were absent.<\/p>\n
From what the few guests (the bride and groom had expected 150; about 30 attended) present were saying, neither family had approved of the wedding, primarily because of the race difference. I don’t know how usual or unusual such family disapproval is; I can say, having since attended a couple dozen mixed-race weddings, that it is very <\/i>unusual for both families to express their disapproval by boycotting the wedding.<\/p>\n
When it became clear what had happened, the bride retreated into her dressing room and cried. The groom literally staggered, looking alternatively shellshocked and heartbroken. They pulled themselves out of their funk and got married; put on brave faces and danced at the reception afterwards (empty chairs, guests with strained grins, mounds of food that would end up being thrown away).<\/p>\n
“God Squad” writers Rabbi Marc Gellman and Msgr. Thomas Hartman would have approved of what happened at that wedding, eight years ago.<\/p>\n
Oh, probably they wouldn’t have approved of the racial politics. But, like the families of that unfortunate couple, they view weddings as a platform for relatives to express disapproval of the marriage<\/a>. Thus, they advise a loving grandmother to boycott her granddaughter’s commitment ceremony, because her granddaughter is a lesbian.<\/p>\n But why would anyone choose to do this on a wedding (or commitment ceremony) day? After all, a wedding is not a unique opportunity to express misgivings or disapproval; there are 364 other days of the year available to say that (with, say, a difficult-but-loving chat over dinner, or a heartfelt letter).<\/p>\n So what is special about the wedding day? Well, a wedding is a unique opportunity for a loved one to express disapproval in a way that is especially cruel; and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to strike on what is for many brides and grooms the single most emotionally vulnerable day of their lives.<\/p>\n Of course, not all wedding couples are the same. Some deal with the most terrible wedding crisis with aplomb. (At the wedding where the bride’s dress never arrived, the groom paced up and down telling anyone with ears that he didn’t care, he’d marry his bride even if she was wearing blue jeans and a halter top. When I relayed that to the bride – who had been hiding in her dressing room – she brightened up. She walked up the aisle in a red ball gown she had bought for a different occasion, and I’ve gotta tell you, she looked stunning<\/i>).<\/p>\n But as I know (and as The God Squad, who have probably attended even more weddings than I have, know) not every wedding couple is like that. I’ve seen grooms tremble and turn white because of a missing collar stud. I’ve seen brides weep because of a wedding cake of the wrong flavor. And I’ve also seen brides weep because their grandmother didn’t come to their special day.<\/p>\n Why would anyone wish that, under any circumstances?<\/p>\n Not on that day. There may be a need, as Rabbi Gellman and Msgr Hartman say, for expressing disapproval; but there’s no need to be cruel about it.<\/p>\n Not on that day. Attending a wedding doesn’t have to be a political statement. I’m sure that the granddaughter is already fully aware of her grandmother’s disapproval (the grandmother refuses to even sleep in her granddaughter’s house). By attending the wedding, the grandmother could have let her granddaughter know that despite her disapproval, she still intended to be in her granddaughter\u2019s life when her granddaughter needed her. Instead, the God Squad has advised her to send a message that when the chips are down, the grandmother considers her need to make a political statement more important than her love for her granddaughter.<\/p>\n Again: She could have expressed her disapproval of her granddaughter’s lifestyle anytime. The only advantage of doing so by boycotting the commitment ceremony, rather than in any of a thousand other ways, is because no other way will inflict as much pain on her granddaughter. I’m appalled that this is the route the God Squad endorses.<\/p>\n I’d also ask the God Squad to examine their own hearts. Suppose that this had been a heterosexual wedding that the grandmother didn’t approve of because her granddaughter’s fiance was (say) an employee of Playboy, or intended to be a househusband while the granddaughter worked, or something like that. In that case, would they have endorsed a boycott of the wedding – or would they have suggested attending the wedding and finding some more loving place and time to express disapproval?<\/p>\n * * *<\/p>\n P.S. The God Squad also writes that they “hope that the gay community can understand that… the choices they’ve made in their lives are a fair field for criticism.” Fair enough. But they then hypocritically say that “those who reject [same-sex] unions must not have to bear the unjust slander of being called ‘homophobes.'” It seems to me that what’s sauce for the goose, is also sauce for the gander. I don’t know if they, personally, are homophobes – but the homophobia that clearly underlies much of the anti-gay-marriage movement is, contrary to what the God Squad thinks, fair game for criticism. (Or do they suggest that in the entire anti-gay-marriage movement, there is not a single person, anywhere, motivated by homophobia?).<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I’ve been a wedding coordinator for almost a decade, and in that time I’ve attended hundreds of weddings. When I started this job, I assumed I’d wind up with lots of “wedding disaster” anecdotes. You know the stuff I mean: … Continue reading