This cartoon is by me and Becky Hawkins.
Becky commented, “It’s always fun and challenging to come up with enough unique character designs for these cartoons. All resemblance to acquaintances living or dead is entirely coincidental. Maybe not coincidental, but not at all a reflection on their character.” So please don’t sue us!
Neither Becky or I are parents, and when I showed Becky the script she eagerly said something like “time to get my secondhand anger on!” (Except what she said was funnier, and I didn’t think to write down the exact wording at the time, and now I’m annoyed with my past self for not being considerate enough of my future cartoon-introduction-writing needs.)
The research for a comic like this is always fun. I dive into online discussion boards and I’m guaranteed to learn something new – or many something news.
For instance, I would never have guessed that strangers actually come up to new parents to criticize them – sometimes quite harshly – if their baby isn’t wearing socks or a hat. But I read multiple people complaining about just that! (Becky here! Panel 6 is dedicated to Jackie, who learned about this phenomenon mere weeks into parenthood.)
And while of course I knew that sleep schedules are a major issue, the full extent of it – and the extent to which many parents feel overwhelmed by all the contrary advice they’re given, including from medical professionals – was eye-opening to me. I didn’t even know what “wake windows” were before I wrote this cartoon (ah, those innocent days of youth).
The title of one Reddit thread really says it all: “I was not prepared for society making you feel like a bad parent NO MATTER WHAT you do.”
The pressure on new parents to do everything perfectly – even though perfect parenting isn’t something that ever has or ever can exist – is ridiculous. And, predictably, that pressure is even greater on mothers.
Becky originally put Big Bird as one of the crowd in the final panel, just as a joke. But – as much as it kills me to remove chicken fat – I was worried that people would read that, not just as a fun cameo, but as a pointed criticism of Sesame Street. So Big Bird was out, alas.
TRANSCRIPT OF CARTOON
This cartoon has nine panels, plus a tiny “kicker” panel at the bottom.
PANEL 1
A mother in the middle seat of an airplane is holding her crying baby, while the annoyed women on either side of her offer their advice.
AISLE SEAT LADY: If you let your baby cry in public you’re a bad mother.
WINDOW SEAT LADY: If you quiet them with screen time you’re a bad mother.
PANEL 2
A smiling woman wearing a mint green gi sits crosslegged next to a potted plant, holding a mug of tea. A large picture window faces a natural scene.
WOMAN: Formula is poison! Quit your job and breastfeed at least every two hours or you don’t love your baby.
PANEL 3
A woman in business wear and red glasses raises her hands in a dismissive gesture.
WOMAN: If you quit working, you’ve personally set feminism back forty years. But you do you!
PANEL 4
A middle-aged man is carrying a tall stack of books and pamphlets, so heavy that he’s bent backwards.
MAN: I brought you some light reading about “wake windows” and optimal nap schedules.
PANEL 5
Most of this center panel is taken up by the title: HELPFUL ADVICE FOR NEW MOMS. Below that, a blonde woman in a green jacket smiles.
WOMAN: Trust your instincts! Which are terrible and wrong.
PANEL 6
A mom has her baby in a stroller in a park, and is just kneeling down to put on some socks. A woman behind her turns red and curves over the mom in an impossible arc to get in her face and yell.
WOMAN: Why isn’t your baby wearing SOCKS?!?
PANEL 7
A couple relaxes on a sofa, her head resting on his shoulder. They talk to us, his expression genial, hers angry.
HIM: Co-sleeping is the natural way to teach your baby to sleep!
HER: Until you roll over and smother them, you murderer!
PANEL 8
An older woman leans close to us and holds up a finger as she gives advice.
WOMAN: Wean too soon and he’ll grow up sickly. Wean too late and he’ll grow up weird!
PANEL 9
A large crowd of people, of various ages and ethnicities and fashion choices, speak in unison. Some are angry, some friendly. One is a mother with a baby in a sling.
EVERYBODY: And remember: Whatever happens, it’s your fault!
“KICKER” PANEL AT THE BOTTOM
Barry is talking to a woman who looks absolutely exhausted.
BARRY: Do you know what “catch 22” means?
TIRED WOMAN: Is it minutes of sleep I caught last night?
CHICKEN FAT WATCH
Chicken fat is ancient cartoonist lingo for fun but unimportant little details in the art.
In panel six, the sockless baby is kicking their feet so much that Becky drew the baby with six adorable little feet.
In panel nine, one woman is wearing a T-Shirt design that’s a mix of an anarchy symbol and a cat’s head. That same design showed up as a poster on the wall in a previous Becky cartoon.
Also in panel nine, one man in the crowd carries a “World’s Best Dad” mug, and the baby’s eyes are hilariously wide and shocked-looking.
I love this: You are on a roll! Only thing I feel is missing from this page is someone telling her that she’s selfish/immoral for having a kid at all (but of course not having a kid would also be selfish.)
Oh, God, the sock thing. Drove me to tears once.