We have a lot of conversations around masculinity now since kid #1 is pubescent. At not quite 12 he’s starting to feel his way through what kind of man he wants to be and having parents that he feels he can talk to is helpful, but occasionally traumatic for all concerned. We’ve talked about sex, drugs, booze, and money at various points over the last few years. All those conversations were tough but the “Don’t be a rapist” convo was possibly the most awkward of my life.
When the story first broke about the 11 year old girl being assaulted in Texas he asked me about it. Why? Well he’s 11 and he has a ton of 11 year old female friends. Since we’ve been pretty open about the mechanics of sex he was upset & confused at the idea of a girl like one of his friends being forced to “do it” with anyone, much less with a group of strangers.
After the initial conversation about why rape happens, and a discussion of the harm it can do, I left the door open for him to bring any other questions to me or his father. Over the last few months we’ve talked about kinds of rape as he’s seen them mentioned on the news (date, stranger, corrective, etc.) and why people blame the victims. Lately, the conversation has turned to stuff like Slut Walks & how telling women to live a certain way in order to avoid being raped doesn’t do anything to stop rape.
He’s having conversations with his Dad of the “No means no”, “Alcohol, emotional upset, drugs, etc. can impair judgment”, & “Don’t hang out with guys that think a girl has to be convinced to have sex” variety. At one point during the course of these conversations I got a little worried about whether the topics were too heavy for him. Then I had a chat with the mother of his best female friend who reminded me that this is the age where girls start talking about it, because this is when the warnings about how to behave to avoid trouble really start pouring in as their bodies start changing. So, I guess if the topic isn’t too heavy for his female friends it isn’t too heavy for him either. Is it okay if it feels too heavy for me right now?
Don’t Be A Rapist: Of Survivor Parenting & Young Males -- Originally posted at The Angry Black Woman
“Is it okay if it feels too heavy for me right now?” Yes! Meanwhile, keep on being GREAT PARENTS! Hats off to you.
I really appreciate this description of how to have good, constructive conversations with boys about rape and sexual ethics. Even though you call it the “don’t be a rapist” talk – it is so different from what so many people think of upon hearing that phrase (i.e. – a boy being told “don’t be a rapist” and don’t do this and don’t do that). You illustrate how to discuss it without infecting your own child with the expectation/fear that he is dangerous/bad/somehow likely to become the scary boogy-man rapist. You’re not telling him – “don’t be a rapist,” you’re helping him understand the ways in which other people do bad things and the attitudes and misconceptions that make them think that’s ok when it’s not. You’re helping protect him from adopting those attitudes by osmosis as he goes through adolescence, but without indicating any belief that he might himself be capable of such horrific actions. Though we know that peer pressure and confusing messed up cultural messages can make many a “good person” do very bad things, I think it’s really important at such a young age for a child not to feel like his parents see something in him that would make him capable of or inclined to do such bad things. And it can sometimes be hard to inculcate good sexual ethics without making a kid feel like there is some part of him/herself and his/her desires to be ashamed of or to be scared of.
a friend of mine reads a poem he wrote when his daughter was a toddler about tickling her, except the tickling was really about boundaries: learning yes and no, and when it’s okay to touch someone and when it’s okay to be touched. it squeezes my heart to hear someone tell the story of preparing the child he loves so much for a world that may hurt her, but in the end he and she and we are grateful for a parent doing what is difficult with such great care.
my heart squeezes the same way when i read this. thank you.
You’ll have to start the “don’t be a rapist” conversation with your son again when he’s 14-16 and he starts desiring girls strongly.
Thanks for sharing this.I will surely do what you said if I’ll have a son.And maybe something like “don’t do to a girl anything that you wouldn’t want me to do to your mother” could be convincing, in a subliminal way.
I dunno, man. Keep in mind that teenagers, by and large, can’t bear to think of their parents having sex, even in loving, mutually consensual ways. “Don’t do to a girl anything that you wouldn’t want me to do to your mother,” seems to rule out everything from French kissing on down.
—Myca
It sounds like you have a great bond with your son, which is wonderful. I’m glad your talks aren’t actually “Don’t be a rapist” but instead more along the lines of “Here’s how you carry yourself with dignity and treat people right” which encompasses much more. Every kid needs that kind of loving reinforcement.
Please, don’t forget to also tell your sons that their own boundaries should also be respected and that their “no” can be said and should be respected. Be clear that transgression against them is also sexual assault or rape – regardless of the gender of the other party. Don’t define rape as “Well, rape is when the other person doesn’t want him to put his penis or fingers or other part of his body inside them, and he does it anyway even though they don’t want him to.” as one commenter on the original post wrote as this exclusionary definition contributes to the narrative that it is impossible for him to decline sex he doesn’t want and that it is particulary so when the other person is female.
Trust me on this.
Um, yeah, what Myca said. Ugh. “Think about your parents having sex as a guide for your own sex life” really doesn’t strike me as a top contender for the Hall of Successful Parenting Advice.
Well, there are really two things going on:
1) you’re trying to teach your son what to do (and not do) on his own, and
2) you’re trying to teach your son a worldview and perspective that will create a certain social outlook.
Perhaps it’s heavy (and seems too much for his age) because you’re doing both. Or perhaps it seems too heavy because you’re pushing too far on #2.
It’s normal I think for parents to teach behavior at a young age. And as kids get older that behavior is supposed to take more and more account of externalities: you start by thinking only about yourself; then your parents, then your playmate, then your friends, then your class, then…
When you add sexuality, it’s almost a new learning curve but with the same progression: This is how you take account of your own sexuality; then your partner; then your ex- and potential partners; then other people, then…
So, are you jumping the curve? This is early stage stuff:
but it might be tricky to teach Slut Walk analysis from a feminist perspective (or anything else with really broad and complex social analysis) to someone who has limited experience of the stuff involved. Same with going into an analysis of existing rapes and assaults. (Did he hear about it on his own, or from you?) I don’t think it’s necessarily harmful or a bad idea, but if you’re picking up on discomfort you may want to just wait a few months. A summer makes a big difference at that age, and it’s a lot easier to understand when you’ve ALREADY processed the first stuff.
I think it’s great that you’re doing this. One cautionary note: I believe that I was on the receiving end of this from a too-scary, militant point of view and it retarded my social development as a teen. I’m sure my mom didn’t mean to do that, but what I took away from the conversations I had with her was that men were badbadbad and could easily hurt women.
So I guess I would temper this kind of conversation by reiterating that women are not fragile, and that intimacy can be wonderful. Don’t be a rapist, but do seek companionship and trust your partner to tell you if there’s a problem.
That is an excellent point Tamen. Teaching about consent and boundaries needs to be universal. While it is important to teach young boys about such, societal gender norms (often reinforced by women as well) promote the concept that all men want sex all the time from all women who are willing and offering. When I began to publicly talk about my own rape experience, several mothers were surprised to realize that men could be raped and that they usually lack the understanding that they, like women, have the right to say no. It is a parent’s job to ensure that both little boys and little girls comprehend consent and are equipped to respect same and assert their own boundaries. Good job for talking to your son, but please make sure he knows that his NO also means NO as there are plenty of women out there quite willing to disrespect it.
James, did you write anywhere online about your rape experience? Could you give me the link ?
Sure Stefan, here is the link:
http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3148/79/