This is a story that has been told in several different versions. Here is my first pass at Attar’s take on it in Elahi Nameh. Izrail is the name of the Angel of Death:
I’ve heard that one day Izrail,
consumer of souls, entered the hall
where Solomon reigned. Seated there
was a young man. God’s soul collector
glanced quickly at the young man’s face,
turned around and left the palace.
Terrified, the young man ran
to Solomon for help. “You can,
I know, command the clouds. Choose one
to carry me away from here.
Death has sickened me with fear.”
Solomon did as the man asked.
A cloud carried him from Fars
to India. Three days passed
before Izrail came again.
“Swordless shedder of blood,” Solomon
addressed him, “why such a keen glance
when you saw that young man?” “I’d planned,”
the angel answered, “at God’s command,
to seize his soul in India
three days from when you saw me last;
but when I saw him in this room,
I did not understand how three days’ time
would be enough for him to get there.
When the cloud bore him off, I followed,
and took his soul to meet with God.”
Cross-posted on my blog.
“three says past” should be “three days past,” must have slipped past spell check.
It’s an interesting translation. My own reaction is that it reads very well but that “turned around and left” (fifth line) and “for him to get there” (third to last line) seemed out of place with the rest of it, somehow, can’t say why.
G&W:
Thanks for the edit.
I think you’re right that the other two lines you talk about are not particularly strong, especially musically. I also don’t like “Sitting there/was a young man” very much, but that’s what revision is for. Right now, I need to get a first draft of the manuscript done as soon as possible. My sabbatical is almost over and I am less than halfway through. This book is proving to be a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.
I am pretty much a horrible poet, other than rhyming limerick-ish style things which i am bizarrely fast at doing. What you do is, from my perspective, sort of like watching someone juggle really well, albeit with language.
But hey, I’m going to pretend to edit anyway (I’ve always been better at editing than writing): were it me then given your response I’d swap “Kneeling” for “seated;” “departed” for “left the palace;” and “travel there” for “get there.” Which, of course, is worth every penny you paid. Or less.
Thanks for those suggestions and for the kind words.
My quick responses: “Kneeling” would actually be a mistranslation and completely change the mood. “Departed” works in terms of tone, but it violates the rhyme scheme–which is, admittedly very loose; but I almost always try to find some way to stay in form before I give up; and the same is true for “travel there,” which, again, I like except for the formal considerations.
The form, by the way, is a very, very loose iambic tetrameter, and the rhyme scheme–again, very loose (off-rhymes, half rhyme, slant rhymes)–is couplets, with a couple of tercets, and a couple of lines that don’t rhyme at tall, thrown in.