So I received this letter from Rob a few weeks ago, and then a few days later I had some free time so I thought I’d scan it in and post it on “Alas.”
So I looked on my desk, where I KNEW I’d left it. Nothing.
Well, maybe it fell. I looked under my desk. Nothing. Looking through the huge pile of books to see if it was stuck between a couple. Looked on the shelf, looked in the drawer, looked through the huge pile of stuff on my desk a second time, and then a third.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Anyway, yesterday, I needed to scan a page of a book, opened the scanner, and there, on the scanner glass: Rob’s letter.
Without further ado, your letter from Rob.
April 1, 2015
Dear Barry and/or Alas! miscreants, ne’er-do-wells, and riff-raff:
Thank you for the recent gifts, but please don’t send me any more money! Well, I mean, you can if you really want too – it isn’t like you’re pouring holy water onto a Whedonesque vampire by so doing – but at this point you are, literally, buying me soda and donuts and cheeseburgers, not keeping me in touch with the outer world and buying me precious dimestore novels with which I ward off the ever-present threat of madness. I’m making $2 per day now, which goes to $3 in May and $4 if I’m still here in June, and while I admit that sounds like a laughably tiny amount of money, in prison it makes me comfortably middle class.
But I really appreciate what you have all sent, and it really did make an enormous difference in my quality of life (and in the sense of not being isolated and friendless), so thank you again for that. Going forward, give it to someone else in need and think of me. (Ha, and thus, I subtly subvert you further into the wickedly non-collective realm of altruistically-selfish donating and undermine the evil of left-wing thought. Bwa ha ha ha!)
OK, I might have had a little too much caffeine today. Free coffee at my job. Wheeeeee!
Barry suggests that if I want to inspire discussion and/or contro-versy, I need to make less agreeable assertions. Fine, I exist to serve.
1. The poor should be burned as a clean, renewable energy source. (Jesus said that “the poor you have always with you”, so it is a matter of theological certainty that we’ll never run out.)
2. Puppies are terrible and should be banned.
3. Kittens should be allowed to continue to exist, but only as a food animal. Small children should grow them in backyard ranches as a 4H-sponsored project.
4. Women who don’t want children should be forced to breed and rear them from menarche to menopause. Women who do want children should be sterilized and sent to labor battalions in bleak, childless work camps.
5. Men should be encouraged to be sensitive and caring on even-numbered days, and encouraged to be brutal and domineering on odd-numbered days. (Wait, we do this now, only without the sensible on/off organizing principle.)
6. Blueberry Pop-Tarts should be the only kind of Pop-Tarts.
7. All sexual acts must be done in public. If it’s not good enough for the street, it’s not good enough period.
That ought to keep you going for a couple weeks at least. Enjoy.
I’ll eventually send any comments left on this post to Robert (possibly after losing them in my scanner for a few weeks).
To send Robert a letter through the mail, use this address:
Robert Luty Hayes, Jr. 165970
FMCC Unit E – Four Mile Correctional Center
P.O. Box 300
Cańon City CO, 81215-0300
If you’d rather send him an email, you can go to Jpay.com and enter Robert’s state (Colorado) and his DOC Number – 165970 – into the search fields. (Sometimes I’ve had to do this twice before it worked). Then you can use your debit card to send him an “email” (he’ll actually get it in the form of a print-out). If you contact Robert via Jpay, be sure to give him your mailing address – he can’t use Jpay, so the only means he has for writing back to you is to send you mail through the post office.