Quoth the Dumsnut, "Nevermore."

The Ms Magazine boards are holding a "Dumsnut poetry contest," featuring poems using the word "dumsnut." With Chrisdoodah’s kind permission, I’m reproducing her entry here.

"Dumsnut," as I’m sure you all know, is Swedish for "annoying little twit."

Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”
by Chrisdoodah

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over how there came to be a Dumsnut behind the oval office door—
While I sobbed, my gums a’ flapping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone banging and rapping his clumsy knuckles on my front door.
“Probably the pizza delivery,” I muttered, “tapping on my front door—
It better be a large extra cheese, and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak November,
Of the year two thousand, back when elections were a real snore.
Eagerly I cast my vote for Nader, who knew what would happen later
When Jeb and George stole the election from the poor Al Gore
For compared to George, he is a radiant angel, that Al Gore
But not President here for evermore.

Now as my stomach grumbled louder, I was craving some nice clam chowder,
But pizza would do fine, so I trudged forward and opened the door.
There was no one standing there a rapping, or with their hands ratta-tat-tapping
On the knocker or surface of my plain brown front door.
“Is anyone there?” I called into the hall. “Is it you, Al Gore?”
But there was darkness and nothing more.

Back into the house I walked, but deep inside my stomach balked,
For without pizza or chowder, I was as hungry as I was before.
When suddenly there was a new tapping, a strange and soulless sort of rapping
On my windowsill, which I had no choice but to explore
I opened the window and shouted, “Is that you, Al Gore?
Or is it the wind and nothing more?”

Imagine my surprise indeed, ‘twas Dumsnut Dubya laughing as he peed,
Right on the wall next to my plain brown front door.
Then climbing whilst he threw up, not even pausing a moment to do up,
His pants as he hauled himself through the window onto my floor—
There, in a pool of his own vomit, he began to heartily snore—
Bloated, sickly, but saying nothing more.

The disgusting Dumsnut just lay there, looking as if to spend the day there,
By his relaxed posture and the noisy fart he let roar.
I shouted, “Who are you to come here and toot? You aren’t fit to lick my boot,
Ghastly piggish and stinky Dumsnut straight from the House floor.
Are you just gonna lay there, or do I need to insult you some more?”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

“Dumsnut, are you drunk tonight?” I asked though I could tell on sight
That he’d been drinking all day, all week, perhaps more.
“And what were you doing spying, right outside my window trying
To tap my phone or read my mail, is that what you had in store?
Or to convince me to vote Republican in 2004?”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

“I see then,” said I getting pissed, as I started to run down my laundry list
Of concerns I had with the Dumsnut administration (quite a chore)
“No trees means no forest fires, but you and your cronies are a bunch of liars
And it doesn’t take big brains to figure out who you’re working for,
The lumber industry and big business treat you like their whore.”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

I added, “You spend the biggest bucks on guns, Star Wars, and army trucks
While millions go without health care and work two jobs but stay dirt poor.
Your tax plan helps the richest one percent, but it doesn’t even make a small dent
In the personal debt of the average citizens you claim to care for.
And on top of all that, you’ve fooled this country into going to war!”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

“But I don’t care,” I said, gathering steam, as my voice rose up to a scream
“’Cause you and your buddies in Washington aren’t fooling me anymore.
It’s plain as the day to me, that the real ‘axis of evil’ I see,
Is between Nike, GM, McDonalds, and a mouse I once worked for.
And of course, let’s not forget you, the Dumsnut behind the oval office door!”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

“Get out of my sight, you fool!” said I, showering him with spittle and drool.
“I can’t take having you here in my home for a second more.
Get to your feet and sober up, or I’ll call your Dad or Cheney up
And they’ll let you have it like nobody’s business, either that or
They won’t let you be the big bad President anymore!”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

“Why do you keep saying that? What exactly are you getting at?”
I asked, confused, as my eye fell on the calendar hanging up by the door.
Suddenly my eye grew brighter, and my spirits felt so much lighter
As I realized it was already November in the year 2004.
“Aha!” said I, “You’re already not the President anymore!”
Quoth the Dumsnut, “Nevermore.”

And so it was that I did shout, after dragging that Dumsnut directly out
Of my lovely home through my plain brown front door,
“Goodbye, Dumsnut, hit the bricks, looks like you’re in a miserable fix,
‘Cause you’ve got no White House to sleep in anymore,
And you’re sure as hell not crashing on my floor.”
And so the Dumsnut was President – nevermore!.