Get Better Work Stories

The New Zealand Police have launched a new campaign Get Better Work Stories. The thrust of this campaign is that your life is boring and a waste of time at the moment and you should rectify this by joining the police. The stories themselves are noble stories of fighting with young people, and having things thrown at you by protesters.

But they seem to have missed a few. Here are some of the ‘real work stories’ from the police this week:

Pepper Spray
I was called out to a party and there was a guy there we were supposed to arrest. He was coming towards me and I told him he was under arrest but he just kept walking. I thought ‘no-one gets to walk past me’ so I pepper sprayed him. I love this job, normal people don’t get to use pepper spray when they want to be violent.

Handcuffed
So I was called out to this party in South Auckland, and I thought to myself I haven’t been able to beat up any brown people for a while, this seems like a good opportunity. So I arrested the owner of the house, handcuffed him, and beat the shit out of him in the back of the car on the way back to the police station. It was awesome, made me feel like a real man, I even got to knock him unconcious.

Four on One
I thought it was going to be a normal night – not doing anything particularly exciting. But then a mate brought someone in for driving while diqualified. We decided the only way to protect the public from people who commit this terrible time was to beat him up. Two of my friends did the actual beating up part and I got to use pepper spray – I love pepper spray.

Other uses for Handcuffs
The police force can give you great opportunities even if you’re not working. I’d left my wife at home to look after the kids and was at the local, totally off my face and looking to score. I failed a couple of times, but then I pressured this woman to give me a lift home. I was obviously too drunk to drive and was all “I’m a police officer” – which worked. So I got her to the police station, hand-cuffed her and raped her, and then I did it a few more times. The best bit was my buddies covered it up for me for years.

These are just the stories that have made the news in hte last week or so. They’re just the cases where police officers actions have been made public and are considered unaceptable to the police force. I’ve watched four police oficers jump on top of someone who wasn’t resisting with one person kneeling on his head. I’ve seen plain-clothes police officers pull pepper spray on people without identifying themselves. I’ve had a police officer say to a group of women “If you get robbed attacked or raped, don’t call us because we won’t come.” I’ve seen police use unreasonable force at least half the time I’ve seen them arrest someone. There were no serious consequences for any of the police officers I’ve mentioned.

I’m a political activist – when I deal with the police there are always other people around me, watching. We know the nuumbers and names of all the human rights lawyers in Wellington and all the media outlets. The police know this, and they treat us accordingly. What I’ve seen is nothing compared to how poor Pacific Island kids from Porirua are treated every day.

Also posted on Capitalism Bad; Tree Pretty