I’m going to retell a story I’ve written about before. A few years back some friends of mine dragged me to a feminist meeting at the house of a woman I didn’t know, although I realised when I got there that I’d seen her around.
Her face was all bruised, she had a broken nose and a black eye. She said it had happened in a play-fight with her boyfriend and that he didn’t know his own strength. She hadn’t left the house since it happened. She wanted to spend the meeting talking about men’s violence against women.
I don’t know about the other women at that meeting, but I knew, with absolute certainty, that there was no play-fight, that it hadn’t been an accident. Everything she did, and said, told me that her relationship was abusive.
I didn’t say anything. None of us said anything. It was a feminist meeting and none of us said anything.
I tried, I wanted to, I spent the evening searching for words and couldn’t find them. Gaps in the conversation came and went, and I left, having said nothing. I knew I was doing the wrong thing, that my silence was wrong, as I was doing it.
What I could have said, what I should have said, was really simple: “Just so you know, I don’t think he should treat you like that. If you ever need anything you can give me a call, here’s my number.”
Please don’t make my mistake. Practice a phrase in your head, have the words ready, use them.
thank you for posting this call to women to watch out for other women (and really for people to watch out for people in general). So many times have I heard friends be concerned for another in private but feel unable to say anything to the concerned party because “its none of my business” or “we don’t know what’s really going on.” We will never know what’s really going on, if we never take our heads out of the sand to find out. Thank you.
I carry around with me a few copies of the business card of the social services/domestic violence counselor at my school’s health center and hand them out to women I am worried about, with my cell number written on the back. I think it’s important that those of us who know and wish to work against violence against women reach out to women. Sometimes it’s enough that other women just know that you are someone who will be there to help them if and when they are ready to/need to seek out help.
It occurs to me that some women are reluctant to make that move because “What if they’re wrong, and it really was an accident/something other than abuse?”
Do it anyway.
I work out at a dojo several times a week. Accidents happen, and I end up visibly bruised on occassion. One of our clients at work several years ago apparently noticed, because she slipped me a card one day with her numbers on the front, the local domestic hotline number on the back, and a “call me if you need anything” note. I wasn’t mad at her; I was incredibly touched. If I had been in trouble at home, that contact might well have meant everything to me.
I just want to say good job. As the medium doesn’t lend itself to inflection, I’ll be clear and say it’s sincere, not sarcasm.
addressing a problem like the one you faced is never easy. There are scores of excuses people write themselves. it’s the very reason such behavior can continue.
Most people write it off. Go out of sight, out of mind, and try to not let it bother them without facing it. You’re at least willing to say you didn’t say something and you should have. Which takes courage, if for no other reason than the expected influx of “Evil Hypocrite Feminists!” trolls.
I think it’s well enough proven that even people who know themselves to be moral people can still allow vile behavior to flourish simply because taking a stand is fucking terrifying, and people are conditioned not to be that sort of confrontational.
Being able to admit that sort of weakness shows a profound sense of reflection, shows you’ve improved from the ordeal. Far better to have been tested in your conviction, failed, and recognized that than to have never been tested.
I’m not organizing my thoughts too well. it’s late. I hope my intent is clear enough.
Good job. For realizing, and for posting this.
A few months ago, I worked for the government on a contract, as did the others who shared my office and worked on this project. There were four of us, in two offices, and occasionally we’d meet up in one office or the other on our break to chat.
We were all together fairly randomly. There was a young military wife and mother who recently moved here from another province, two women from nearby smaller communities and myself. Usually we talked about TV and the like, but one day., the conversation turned to abuse. I was absolutely dumbstruck by the fact that every one of us had stories to tell. The military wife was still with the guy, and it was escalating. She had no friend of her own, and he controlled the finances, and she has two small kids.
I got her the names, numbers and locations of DV shelters in the area, as well as which ones took children. The contract is long up, and I hope she got out.
Dear God, John.
I let that comment through mod because I wasn’t sure which thread it was going to appear in. Should have guessed it would be this one. Maia, do you want it gone? Should I ban this idiot?
I’ve deleted the comment. You can decide about banning.