Was thinking about a few things in regards to my post yesterday and reading your stories of unwanted attention and harassment. I find myself depressingly unsurprised at the accounts. This crap is all too common.
A few years ago I made a decision to try and talk/fight back against harassment I experienced or witnessed. I live in New York, so hardly a day goes by when I don’t see it happen. Depending on my situation at the time (rushing to work or alone on a dark street or whatever) I will try to get the guy’s attention and say NO! really loud and like I’m talking to a dog. No! Bad man! Baaaaad.
If I’m the target of the comment or catcalls, I sometimes say something nasty. You know what really gets them upset? Insulting the size of their penis. I didn’t think it would be so easy to insult a guy, but it really is. (Sorry guys!)
Sometimes I don’t jump to that right away. Once I was walking down the street and a guy passing me said something like, “Girl, you are so fiiiine,” and I stopped and said: Excuse me, but that’s really inappropriate! We ended up having a loud debate in the street about how he was just trying to compliment me and put a smile on my face (there’s that fucking ’smile’ stuff again…) and how by saying something nice about my appearance he was attempting to bring something positive to my day. No matter how much I tried to impart on him that random comments from strange men tend not to make women feel that way at all, and how would he feel if someone did that to his mother, made any impact on him.
Since I have a camera in my phone, I try to take pictures of the guys and tell them I’m uploading them to the Internet with the caption “Skeevy Asshole.” They don’t like that, either.
Every now and then I’m not alone when I do something like this. And it’s usually without warning. I’ll just be walking down the street, talking to a friend, then I’ll whip around and shout, “Leave her the fuck alone!” while my clueless friend is left wondering if I’ve suddenly gone mental.
Once they understand what I’m doing, people get kind of upset with me. On some level that’s understandable. People have gotten into physical altercations over less. Which is why I only do this when I feel relatively safe. On a crowded street, near open restaurants/stores, mostly during the day. However, the objection isn’t always just about that aspect. Some get embarrassed as if what I’m doing is somehow more horrendous than what the guy is doing. Like my acknowledgment and anger about it are breaking a social code we have in our culture. Men will harass women and women will deal with it individually as best they can.
That doesn’t cut it with me, though. Because I know how it can feel when the harassment is happening. Standing on a crowded street and having some man try to intimidate you and no one does a damn thing about it. I hate that feeling. I have no idea if the women who are being harassed appreciate my actions or even know about them. They may be trying so hard to ignore and get by that they just register someone yelling, but not about what.
I admit, I’m also doing it for all the times I found myself in that situation and didn’t fight back or tell the guy to go to hell; when I was intimidated and even scared. You’ll never hear me tell anybody that their response or reaction was incorrect or wrong or that they should have been stronger/fought back. I’ve heard guys say things like that and it’s complete bullshit. I’m glad for the times when I have the wherewithal to tell harassers to go to hell, but I forgive myself for the times I can’t.
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What Do You Do When You Experience or Witness Street Harassment?
I’ve said this before, but I sometimes will point and laugh at a harasser. Not just a “hee hee,” but I mean really cackling and belly laughing, hooting and slapping my lap, pointing and screaming with laughter. For whatever strange sociological reason, people will stare at the harasser like he’s the one with the problem — which of course he is! If I’m pointing and carrying on and continuing to walk, preferably away from the guy, he will often stop and look confused, and people will stare at him, and it’s over.
It’s scary, because I always wonder if it’s going to work, but it always does. And it’s a good tension-reliever. Of course, it works only in crowds or on a busy street.
I have also yelled at men harassing women on the street when I’m in my car, like at a stoplight. Once a group of about five men were following a young woman and, in the nicest possible way (ETA: that was sarcasm), were talking about her and trying to get her attention with (as I see it) about-to-be-scary come-ons. She had that look on her face — you know the one I mean. She had her books clasped to her chest and was looking at the ground with that embarrassed, “I’m ignoring it” half-smile. I leaned out my window and yelled, “Guys! Hey guys! HEY! GUYS!” and when they looked at me I just yelled “BACK OFF.” It gave the other woman a little bit of time to duck into a coffee shop and the guys sat there and looked at me and each other like, WTF?
I like your last graf here. I have also tried to ignore it, or flown off the handle and been labeled a bitch, have resorted to a punch (and been punished for it), and have tried to engage in sharp ideological struggle and been laughed at for it. It always feels like there’s no right response, but I too try to be gentle with myself about it.
There is no right response. That’s the whole point. The whole thing is about showing off the guy’s ego. In order to succeed in his little game, his ego must be unbruisable. If you can find a chink in that, good on’ you… but it’s likely you can’t, particularly if the guy is witty enough to come up with a comeback for everything you say.
Really, the wordless laughing is the most clever response I can think of, since it’s an insult that isn’t delivered with anger (which shows that he’s stronger than you), nor is it specific enough for them to try out their “witty” responses with you.
This is awesome.
If I’m feeling safe, and the attention is negative (esp. comments about the size of my ass) I will usually say “Does your wife know you’re out here talking shit?” or “You realize I’m old enough to be your mother, little boy?” but your responses are a lot better.
Or if they’re harassing another woman, just “Leave her alone, asshole!”
I do let the not-overtly-hostile stuff slide, though. I’m still not sure how I feel about it in general.
I’m not very good at actually saying anything whenever I witness someone I don’t know being mistreated in public. To be honest, “witness” is the most I can do, and occasionally it’s effective: for example, if I’m walking and see a guy harassing a woman, I’ll stop and stare at him, hard. It’s sometimes stopped the misbehavior, with a muttered, “What’re you looking at…” as he walks away.
I was also going to say that laughing my ass off is the only response that’s ever really worked for me. I feel like if I yell at a guy, I’ll only engage him and incite more dangerous behavior from him, even in a safe space. Plus, I don’t trust my on-the-spot verbal skills. It’s too easy to walk away from a angry exchange *still* feeling like a victim. But laughter just throws the guy off, and then he’s no longer in control of the situation – the “victim” is.
I discovered this by accident one day as I was walking to a friend’s apartment, on an empty sidewalk at night, and a guy pulled up in his car alongside me. I paused to see if he needed directions (without getting too close) and he asked me if I needed a ride anywhere. Well, I had been walking for ten minutes and was only a block away from my destination at that point. For some reason this fact coupled with his utter gall struck me as hilarious in that moment. I burst out in unintentional, hysterical laughter – and the guy drove away. I almost felt sorry for him. :)
There is something really, really weird going on with this page.
[I think I’ve fixed it. Thanks (sincerely) for pointing it out, I wouldn’t have noticed for a while otherwise. –Amp]
I’ll have to fifth the laughing response. Although I do like to mix it up a bit, depending on the situation. These days, I’m usually walking with my headphones on. Now I can still tell when someone is yelling but it’s easy to look like I can’t hear, and I usually tuck my hair behind my ear when they’re doing it so they can see my headphone. I completely ignore while sort of watching out of the corner of my eye and let me tell you that’s hilarious. They really can’t stand being ignored. They get red in the face and louder and impotently mad. Other times, I try to gague the psychoticness of the man harassing me. If he looks like the type to out and punch me (or worse), I simply ignore him and walk away, making sure to stick to areas with witnesses. If he doesn’t (usually the case), I either laugh like he forgot to put on his pants that morning, or I tell him to grow up and roll my eyes. Depends on the guy. The second works better with men much older than myself, since they don’t expect someone their daughter’s age to be telling them to get more mature. The first I usually use on guys around my own age or younger. If they’re just screaming from a moving car (a favorite among those under 20) I flip them off.
If I witness another guy who I don’t know harassing a woman on the streets, is it patronizing for me to say something to the guy or not? If one of my friends does something sexist, I call them on it without exception, but I can’t shake the feeling that doing that to a stranger has certain whiteknightish patronizing undertones.
Vagabond, speaking only for myself, anyone who publicly says that I do not deserve to be treated like this is someone I consider an ally. Of course, there’s a difference between, “Hey, asshole, act like an adult,” and “Don’t you know how dark and scary it is out here for poor defenseless women!” but in general, if you’re willing to stand up for me, I take that as a sign of respect, not of paternalism.
A couple weeks ago, one guy just went too far. I was waiting in line at circle k, and there was a very, very drunk frat guy standing behind me (THIRSTY THURSDAY, WOOOOOO!). He started by telling me how good I looked. I thanked him and went back to waiting in line, but he wasn’t done. He started feeling me up, and I (very calmly, but I’m not sure how) said “You need to step back and take your hands off of me” He didn’t, and I had my now ice-filled Nalgene in my hand. I wouldn’t have done anything, but he just felt the need to say “Oh, come on baby, you know you want it.”…my arm swung back, and this idiot got a bottle of ice to the balls.
My new perspective? Fuck going for the ego, the balls are much, much faster. Granted, I wouldn’t have taken this approach had it been 5 minutes later while I was waiting for my bus, but because there were at least 20 people in the store (overwhelmingly male, and overwhelmingly not doing anything to help me out) I felt a little more comfortable swinging than macing him.
I’m so tired of the feeling that somehow I was asking for it, that it’s okay for a random guy to decide I’m his next target. I’m tired of being made to feel that I should be ashamed of my body and just be as unassuming as possible. I’m 6 freaking feet tall, with bright red hair. There is no WAY I can pull off unassuming. /rant
What Jill said. Even a “Hey, man,” while shaking your head is nice, just to have the friendly face.
I like Jill’s comment about allies.
A friend of mine who gets targeted a great deal for fat harassment (lectures about her health, etc.) replies with a firm “That’s enough, thanks.” I’ve filed that one away.
I am most likely to resort to “back off” or “get away from me,” very loudly, since it seems least likely to invite debate, and most likely to be interpreted by witnesses as “she clearly didn’t want him to do what he was doing.”
I have also used the phrase “Hey, that’s enough,” when I don’t feel comfortable, for whatever reason, objecting in so many words to something (usually an offensive joke or statement). It stands well on its own, and also gives me time to think and move past the shock that someone has said something offensive, in case I want to go in for “that language is offensive/racist/whatevs” kill.
If it’s not gender profanity or the occasional racist NL comment, it’s about wanting a “date” or “won’t you smile for me baby”. Since I walk a lot, I get it all the time (intermixed by the more harmless, “I see you walking everywhere…can I have your autograph” type comments).
Some days after the first two or three cars that pull over, it’s enough. I had two cars of men hassle me and then a third car pulled up and the guy said “hi” and I said, “who the hell are you” and it turned out to be a plainclothed cop I knew (sans beard)who wanted to compliment me on a blog posting. He was cool about it.
But it’s hard to find one really good response if you engage. IME, definitely a case by case basis.
ooh, I once collected stories about this…
1) guy: “Yo bitch, wanna mount?”
girl: “I’d rather have a dead fish stuffed up my cunt!”
2) guy (looking me up and down, talking to his friends): “Yeah, I could use a new girlfriend”
me: “Yeah, me too” (at which all the guys started laughing because their friend came on to the dyke)
3) guy: “I could use a little pussy”
girl: “Yeah, me too, mine’s big as a bucket!”
Clearly I prefer the humorous response. It disarms the guy and it’s easy to walk away when someone’s laughing. I knew a very small man that used to disarm guys who wanted to mess with him with the following: “Take a fucking hike you cock-sucking, motherfucking, small-balled, yellow-bellied son of a bitch.” It was just so outlandish that everyone would start laughing and the situation would be defused. I’ve got that one filed away in case I need it.
I go with a stern glare, eye contact, and “that’s rude.” Though I’ve been lucky enough to avoid it, mostly.
I forgot a couple of stories…
Back in college, I was walking down the street when a man, standing around chatting with some friends (at least one of whom was female), said “excuse me!”
me: “yes?” (thinking he wanted the time or something)
guy: “are you fucking?”
me “am I WHAT?”
guy: “are you fucking?”
me (annoyed): “well, not at the moment!”
On a more serious note, when two guys in a garbage truck catcalled at me, I got their truck number and reported it. The next day they yelled at me, but it was clear I had the power in that situation and they left me alone after that. If I was a witness to harassment I would take the same tactic.
Harassment doesn’t happen to me as often as it used to ten or twenty years ago. I’m cynical enough to think that has more to do with my age than any real decrease in the problem.
I wish I had the balls all the time to give the guys that shake me up a piece of my mind. Unfortunately, most of the time when a guy makes a comment or catcalls me, I put my head down and walk faster. On the one side, it’s nice to find that people think you’re attractive, but it’s done in such a skeezy way that any possible good they MAY have meant are removed, instead leaving you feeling sick to your stomach. The best I’ve been able to muster is an evil glare. Maybe someday I will manage to stick up for myself vocally-as well as other women.
For your consideration: mocking women who are troubled by street harassment, or just mocking paranoid guys?
once upon a time, while walking with the GF, i saw a woman get off the bus and be immediately pursed by some weirdo (who i think got off the bus as well). he wasn’t mean or anything but he was following her while asking a lot of personal questions: where do you live, what do you do, etc. she didn’t seem too pleased but wasn’t running away either and appeared to be attempting the polite brushoff.
anyway, they turned the corner onto a quiet block and it was dark so me and the GF decided to follow. she appeared to be getting increasingly nervous so she turned around to see if anyone was behind them and when she did i gave her the wink, indicated we had her back. he then turned around to see what was going on and then suddenly gave up whatever it was he was doing.
so the relieved woman ended up buying us a glass of wine at the local wine bar. i felt like batman.
I am male, and I always respond on behalf of the harassed (whether male or female), unless I am asked not to. It is for society’s benefit that harassers are silenced, made to feel shame, and taught the fundamental inappropriateness of what they are doing.
I want harassers to live in fear of retribution.