Disclaimer: I’m more than a little critical of Christianity, both historically and as currently practiced by too many Americans. But frankly, I’m sweet on Christianity compared to many “Alas” readers. So here’s the question; if I link to stories that (among other things) speaks to the way Christians can be screwed up sexually, will people take it as a gloating sort of link? Because that’s not how I mean it.
Anyhow, the link: Feminary is collecting stories from Christian women about their sexuality, a sort of “Christian version of the Vagina Monologues.” She’s posted the first round of stories, and they’re funny and tragic and interesting. I was going to post a sample, but I think y’all should go read the stories instead (they’re really short). I wish her well with her project.
To me, what the second and third stories suggest is that it’s easy to get incredibly screwed up if you’re trying to force your sexuality and relationships to fit into a Christian mold. But I don’t think it’s different from the way people can get sexuality and relationships screwed up by trying to fit them into any other mold. What I was reminded of, reading the stories, is this stunningly great post (one of many) at Brutal Woman. Because it all boils down to the same shit, doesn’t it? Letting other people’s expectations define our lives is how we hurt ourselves.
(Hat tip: Hugo).
Letting other people’s expectations define our lives is how we hurt ourselves.
So true. Now if we only could find a way to ignore those expectations….
That’s a really interesting project! I think what struck me most in reading the first four stories were these sentences:
from Story 2 – “I got older and I did the normal thing of stressing about finding the perfect right Christian man to be yoked with.”
and from Story 3 – “We had sex basically because we couldn’t stand not doing it any more. We were doing everything but, as all Christian couples do, and finally one day you just go, “fuck it” and he slips it in.”
Maybe I’m reading too much into this, but those two quotes illustrated for me a common idea that I see from a lot of people whose lives have been so powerfully shaped (for good or bad) by Christianity, especially evangelical Christianity: the certainty that their lives are “normal.” Many evangelical Christians seem to kick off with the assumption that their experiences, whatever they may be, are representative of all other Christians, or that what they have witnessed in the lives of non-Christians is representative of what happens to all non-Christians.
Story 2 calls her search for “the perfect right Christian man” (“to be yoked with,” no less!) the “normal thing.” And I’m sure in a lot of circles it is. But I find it interesting that she didn’t say “the expected thing” or “what I had always been taught was normal” or something like that. With all her self-awareness, there’s a funny treatment of normality going on.
Same goes for Story 3 with the sweeping generalization that “all Christian couples” repeat her plot. I have no doubt that many do, but I myself know Christian couples whose experiences were entirely different, from never having sex until they were married to screwing like bunnies without any guilt whatsoever. I wouldn’t call their experiences “more normal” than hers, but it seems odd to me to assume the opposite.
The idea of something being normal almost transcends any notion of good or bad – it’s just the way things are, it’s the way they’ll always be, and you can’t really do anything about it. And whether these women’s experiences really are typical or not, they seem to share a kind of resignation that there’s not much to be done about it.
Again, maybe I’m reading too much into those two statements. Maybe they were just hyperbole or off-the-cuff remarks and don’t really offer a glimpse into the psychologies of these two women. They both just stuck out in my mind.
And obviously you can see that same trend – trying to classify yourself as “average,” even if you don’t know what “average” is, or you have to change the meaning of “average” to accommodate your life – in any group on the planet. But to me it seems particularly prominent among evangelicals, though that could just be my imagination.