It speaks for itself:
Edited to add the following description and transcript, helpfully provided by Jen in Ohio:
A fair-skinned boy approximately age 14 with short dishwater blond hair sits in a desk chair. There are closed window blinds behind him. He wears earbuds and faces the camera while he holds up a series of white index cards with black marker writing and music plays. The only audio is the song Breathe Me, by Sia. Lyrics are here.
Card 1: Hi I’m Jonah.
Card 2: I look happy, right?
He forces an obviously fake smile.
Card 3: Well, IM. NOT. What you all see, is the fake me.
Card 4: …But I’m the real Jonah Mowry. I’ve done things…
Card 5: Things I’m NOT proud of.
Card 6: I’ve cut…..a lot. I have SCARS.
He raises his arms, one by one, lifts his sleeves and turns his shoulders forward for the camera, showing his scars.
Card 7: Suicide was an option….many times.
He looks off to the side. He has probably been crying or near-crying throughout but this is the point at which it breaks through and becomes apparent. He looks back into the camera.
Card 8: …The first time I cut myself was in the SECOND GRADE
Card 9: I get bullied everyday….This started in 1st Grade (he is using multiple underlining now, but I don’t know the html for that)
Card 10: …And I’m starting eighth grade next month.
He briefly raises a hand and wipes a tear from his eye. He looks down into his lap. He looks back into the camera and swallows hard.
Card 11: I’m not ready. ….I have one close friend left.
Card 12: The rest are starting high school
Card 13: Im scared (again with the multiple underlining)
Card 14: To go back.
He looks up and exhales heavily, then down into his lap again, then up again, he is crying harder now and tears are beginning to stream down his cheeks.
Card 15: A lot of people hate me…
Card 16: I don’t know why….
Card 17: But i gues i do.
Card 18: Cuz I kinda hate me too….
He takes a deep breath.
Card 19: Gay. Fag. Dick. Douche. Homo. Asshole.
His expression here is heartbreakingly demoralized.
Card 20: The list goes on and on.
Card 21: I can’t do this anymore!!! (Behind the card, he wipes his tears.)
Card 22: Im tired of bing Torn Down.
Card 23: And building myself up to only be torn down AGAIN.
He pauses, breathes, looks up and to the left, breathes some more.
Card 24: But….
Card 25: I’m not going anywere…
He wipes more tears from his eyes; this time there’s a subtle hint of defiance in the gesture.
Card 26: Because I’m STRONGER than that…
Card 27: And…
Card 28: I have a million reasons to be Here.
He opens his hands and drops the stack of cards, looks into the camera, steels his mouth, waves his hand, and reaches forward to turn the camera off. Cut to black.
End transcript.
Thank you for sharing this. You were right – this is an important video to watch. I recommend that everyone does as I just did, and watch the video. And afterwards, go to the youtube page and read the poster’s update. Because this is not only a powerful example of how homophobia hurts – it’s also an example of how speaking out about the pain can help.
I’d seen this posted on Facebook, but I didn’t watch it until you posted it here. Wow. I agree with Eytan – go read his update on YouTube. Moving stuff.
Oh, I really hope someone close to him gives him a big hug.
I’ve been out so long that sometimes I forget the early pain of the young and gay.
Sigh.
The best thing about the “It Gets Better” project is that is true. I just hope it gets better fast enough for him.
Sebastian – as I suggested above, it’s worthwhile reading the update he posted in the youtube page. This video has had a very positive outcome.
If it’s that important, it would be nice if there were a transcription for it. Or at the very least a description indicating what it is.
A transcription for what? The video is all in text, as is the update.
Not everyone can see the video, Elusis.
I agree that this is a very powerful video, and it warmed my heart to see the update afterwards. But descriptions/depictions of self harm and suicidal thoughts can be really damaging to some people if they’re not prepared for it, so they as well as people with visual impairments etc would definitely benefit from a description of the video.
(For such people: It’s a gay boy about to enter eighth grade holding up little hand written notes set to music showing his scars and discussing his experiences with self harm and suicidal thoughts as a result of bullying, and declaring that he isn’t going to let this stop him)
Ah, thanks Bear, I read “transcription” and translated it as “audio.”
Here is a transcript for anyone who needs it. I’ve chosen to quote Jonah as precisely as possible in order to preserve his expression so you may notice some non-traditional spelling and uses of grammar.
Begin transcript.
A fair-skinned boy approximately age 14 with short dishwater blond hair sits in a desk chair. There are closed window blinds behind him. He wears earbuds and faces the camera while he holds up a series of white index cards with black marker writing and music plays. The only audio is the song Breathe Me, by Sia. Lyrics are here.
Card 1: Hi I’m Jonah.
Card 2: I look happy, right?
He forces an obviously fake smile.
Card 3: Well, IM. NOT. What you all see, is the fake me.
Card 4: …But I’m the real Jonah Mowry. I’ve done things…
Card 5: Things I’m NOT proud of.
Card 6: I’ve cut…..a lot. I have SCARS.
He raises his arms, one by one, lifts his sleeves and turns his shoulders forward for the camera, showing his scars.
Card 7: Suicide was an option….many times.
He looks off to the side. He has probably been crying or near-crying throughout but this is the point at which it breaks through and becomes apparent. He looks back into the camera.
Card 8: …The first time I cut myself was in the SECOND GRADE
Card 9: I get bullied everyday….This started in 1st Grade (he is using multiple underlining now, but I don’t know the html for that)
Card 10: …And I’m starting eighth grade next month.
He briefly raises a hand and wipes a tear from his eye. He looks down into his lap. He looks back into the camera and swallows hard.
Card 11: I’m not ready. ….I have one close friend left.
Card 12: The rest are starting high school
Card 13: Im scared (again with the multiple underlining)
Card 14: To go back.
He looks up and exhales heavily, then down into his lap again, then up again, he is crying harder now and tears are beginning to stream down his cheeks.
Card 15: A lot of people hate me…
Card 16: I don’t know why….
Card 17: But i gues i do.
Card 18: Cuz I kinda hate me too….
He takes a deep breath.
Card 19: Gay. Fag. Dick. Douche. Homo. Asshole.
His expression here is heartbreakingly demoralized.
Card 20: The list goes on and on.
Card 21: I can’t do this anymore!!! (Behind the card, he wipes his tears.)
Card 22: Im tired of bing Torn Down.
Card 23: And building myself up to only be torn down AGAIN.
He pauses, breathes, looks up and to the left, breathes some more.
Card 24: But….
Card 25: I’m not going anywere…
He wipes more tears from his eyes; this time there’s a subtle hint of defiance in the gesture.
Card 26: Because I’m STRONGER than that…
Card 27: And…
Card 28: I have a million reasons to be Here.
He opens his hands and drops the stack of cards, looks into the camera, steels his mouth, waves his hand, and reaches forward to turn the camera off. Cut to black.
End transcript.
Thanks, Jen. Hopefully the post can be updated with a link to the comments as well, so future readers know there is a transcript.
ETA: I should note for transparency’s sake and in case there is any confusion that I do not personally rely on a screenreader to access video, although I do have my own reasons for preferring transcripts – I don’t think this negates the importance of video accessibility on blogs or that it should always come down to PWD to make such requests, but I don’t want to give a false impression of myself either.
This video is histrionic, self-absorbed and vain.
Anyone who has worked with personality disorder clients will find it hard to praise this parade of self-flagellation.
While it’s quite likely that the young man in the video is gay, bullied and probably a victim of familial abuse, I recommend that any viewer gain some familiarity with personality disorders and realise that promoting or rewarding this clip will not help the poor guy who made it.
Hey Sancho?
This kid is 14. FOURTEEN.
Stop being a jerk.
—Myca
I agree with Myca for once. Yeah, if a 40-year old posted this video, those would be fair criticisms; being gay in a homophobic world is damn traumatic but by the time you’re 40 we can expect you to handle the trauma like a grownup.
But pretty much every 14 year old in the world IS histrionic, self-absorbed, and vain, and about shit a whole lot less real than what this kid and others like him have to deal with.
So piss off.
And hey, speaking as the resident dick (and get off my turf, interloper), you could have shown concern for the kid’s mental well-being without being an ass about it. How about “This young man obviously is having a lot of trouble in his life but as someone familiar with personality disorders, I think it likely that there is something going on beyond self-expression here. I hope that political support for the statements this teenager makes doesn’t blind us to what is, or was, a real cry for help.”
I can’t deny that my comment reads harshly.
I’ve seen the video posted on at least a dozen blogs and Facebook pages in the last couple of days, and every time I see the comments and “like” tags pile up, I think that this distressed young guy is learning that strangers will reward him emotionally for crying and talking about cutting.
The point may come that he’s too old to appear innocent, and just talking about self-harm doesn’t draw the same sympathy, so he starts cutting himself for real, and so on and so forth, until a man in his thirties accidentally kills himself while slicing a wrist because that’s the way he’s learned people will show him love.
I apologise for being blunt. I sound like an arsehole. I just feel that when this boy gets help, it will be from someone local and actually connected to him, not a stranger on the internet, and that in the meanwhile all of the attention – not to mention cruel mockery – is just making the long-term view bleaker.
That second comment might draw a lot of disagreement, but it wouldn’t have made me think “what a dick” when I read it. Bluntness has its place, and harshness too – sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind – but tone does matter.
Sancho – you bring up good points. But the narrative of the video is –
1 – “I’ve done things I’m not proud of”, including cutting himself
2 – I’m tired of that
3 – I’m stronger than that.
I didn’t feel that the video glorified the self-harm. I think what the video is showing – assuming we take it at face value – is the realization that self-harm is not a solution. Of course, that’s a first step, not a final step, and we shouldn’t confuse the video with a solution, either. But at least being able to admit the self harm and realize that it is not something to be proud of is a positive step.
And, as I said above, it’s worth reading the update. Again, I’m taking it at face value – but it looks like he’s in a much better place now. Especially, it doesn’t look like he took the support to be support of the cutting and crying, but rather support of him and his sexuality. Now, we have no evidence beyond his own words. And I honestly don’t know if continual internet celebrity is a good thing for him (or for anyone else). But I hope that the video was a positive influence on him, and that others in similar situations can look at the video and take the right lessons from it – though you are defiintely correct in that there are some really bad lessons it can offer too.
Oh, and thank you for coming back and standing by what you wrote and being civil and mature about it, rather than doing a driveby. I know that it is not always to come into a forum and disagree with people and be criticized for it.
Thanks Jadey for pointing out that a transcript would have been a good thing. I posed this very quickly without much thought and haven’t been back to really look at the thread until now. And thanks, Jen, for doing the transcript that I should have done. I will put it in the body of the post when I have some free moments to do so. Again, thanks.
You’re most welcome, Richard and Jadey. I appreciate your consideration of PWD.
Jadey, if this is the sort of context in which you’d prefer a transcript then I hope the one I did was adequate for your use. I don’t use a screenreader either, but I am disabled as well as queer, and I’ve been through a lot of hellish experiences with both, so ensuring that there was a transcript for this particular piece was intensely personal to me on a couple of different levels.
Sancho, I appreciate that you made a follow up post because that first one, to me, just seemed like you were lashing out. If you really do know anything about psychology or psychiatry, then you certainly know that you cannot possibly have enough information about this kid to diagnose him with anything merely from watching this video. It could’ve been a project for his drama class, for all we know. For now I’m assuming it is what it appears to be, but that’s an assumption open to re-assessment.
That said, since I presently continue to assume it is what it seems to be, I share your concern for the kid’s well being, and I am not as encouraged as Eytan by his update. I mean, the kid writes about how he fakes happy in the video. Faking happy is a common feature of abused children, whether they’re being abused by their parents or anyone else. I was a severely abused child, and I am speaking from experience when I say that it can be hard-to-impossible to get adequate help when you are an abused child, and covering it up in any way you can sometimes feels like your only option. Exposing it to the entire world sometimes feels like your only option. The bad feelings can be overwhelming at a time in your life when you lack sufficient coping skills to deal with them, and you can easily display signs of mental health conditions that you won’t actually wind up meeting the diagnostic criteria for once you’re out of the abusive context.
If you really feel that way, then perhaps you should’ve avoided the cruel mockery in which you yourself engaged. You watched a video made by a child you say you believe probably has been both bullied and abused, and your opening line was to call the child’s behavior “histrionic, self-absorbed and vain”, terms that are routinely chosen by homophobes for weaponized use against gay men. I haven’t been chasing the vid across the ‘net or anything, but fwiw your own words are the most cruel thing I’ve read about it. Otherwise I’ve just seen folks question whether it’s real, or express what seems like sincere hope that the bullied, abused child get the help and support he needs to heal.
This.
And this.
Your comments are classic victim-blaming, in which you take an adolescent’s (extremely common, though unhealthy) expressions of hurt at the abuse he’s suffered and flip them around to make them evidence of personal failings on his part.
And ‘personality disorder’? Really? Christ.
Don’t worry, though, you’re in good company. Shame over reactions to his perceived weakness are almost certainly why he started cutting in the first place, because cutting is easier to hide, and less likely to get him called ‘fag’ than bursting into tears.
Frankly, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.
—Myca
Anyone who has worked with personality disorder clients will find it hard to praise this parade of self-flagellation.
Sancho – are you a licensed mental health practitioner?
If you were, you would know
– the DSM does not allow diagnosis of personality disorders until age 18
– one does not diagnose those whom one has not treated
– developmentally speaking, this is within the range of normal adolescent behavior
– personality disorders are extremely rare in the general population and when considering clients, one should apply the “horses, not zebras” Occam’s Razor test and consider a variety of non-pathological explanations for behavior incuding systemic and contextual ones, before arriving at the conclusion that a client has a severe, potentially untreatable characterological disorder
– self-injury and having strong feelings are not sufficient criteria for diagnosing BPD and are the refuge of the lazy and anxious clinician.
Oh, and also:
– empathy is the most important personal characteristic a therapist can have according to common factors research.
I’m just saying.
@Elusis: Thanks for posting that. I think a lot of times people take it upon themselves to diagnose strangers over the internet, and it’s never helpful.
@Sancho: Robert is nicer than I am. I’m not going to congratulate you for not being an ass on your second go-around; frankly, that should have been your first comment.
As far as someone in his life or “local,” – maybe there isn’t anyone. It happens. I grew up in the cradle of Southern Baptist religion. There wasn’t anyone local that I knew about as a kid for help with being LGBT. Literally, any kind of outreach or help was smothered by the religious institutions and public outrage there. If this kid makes it out alive because some strangers on the internet, more power to him.
When in doubt, I think its best to err on the side of compassion. This kid looks like he needs some compassion, and I think its a little ridiculous to berate strangers on the internet for being compassionate and encouraging.
Simple Truth – the DSM, like all specialized professional instruments, can be used as a tool or a weapon. I have an uneasy relationship with it myself as a clinician and teacher informed by social justice principles, and if there’s two things that drive me up a wall, it’s the ill-informed spouting off about conditions they don’t understand, and the allegedly-well-informed thinking everything is a nail just because they happen to have use of a hammer (and failing to consider the implications of thwacking people with it.)
Just want to let people know that I finally got around to adding Jen in Ohio’s transcript to the original post. Again, Jen, many thanks for doing that.
Sure, Richard. The hotlink to the Sia lyrics didn’t seem to make it but you always lose something in a move, heh.
I was an equality activist when I was younger but my health isn’t what it used to be so I often find myself frustrated on the sidelines these days. I have a lot of dead, queer friends. I have a lot of traumatized queer friends/exes who are lucky, in a way, to still be alive…but all of those of us who have survived have really bad scars, too, even if they’re not of the same sort as the boy in the video. They’re all of the same origin. Hate; indifference to hate that winds up leading to the same outcome as hate. It’s fucking evil, in that banal way.
I know things are better today than they were when I was a kid but I also know queer kids are still suffering. All I want to do is save them from what my cohort had to go through and some days it is the hardest thing ever to sit still with the understanding that I simply cannot do so. I can’t stop their bullies from tormenting them, can’t change their parents’ toxic bullshit beliefs, can’t hardly even get them any legal protections or rights on paper, let alone enforced.
But I can type a transcript. I can witness. I can tell stories and I can help others tell their stories. I’m a writer. I KNOW that stories shape and re-shape the world. Even though it takes a long time, that’s okay, we’ve got millions of stories to tell.