As you may know, the semifinals in the race for the presidency are already winding down. Willard Mitt “Mitt” Mittens Romney appears headed to the GOP nomination, while Barack Obama, much to the chagrin of the Puritopians, is running unopposed in the Democratic primaries. It’s looking like it will be a battle of Mittens and Barack, two men who — true story — had fathers born in foreign nations. (Which reminds me: Where’s the birth certificate, Mitt?)
Anyhow, you might think that with Romney in the race, all possible political positions would be well-represented. But you’d be wrong. After all, where’s the guy who believes we need to gut social security, but doesn’t care much about abortion rights either way? Where’s the guy who thinks we need to cut taxes on the rich, but thinks the GOP is a bit caustic sometimes? Where’s the guy who thinks the whole “gay rights” argument is a distraction from more important issues, like reducing the deficit through draconian measures? Where’s the candidate of Tom Friedman?
Well, never fear, because a group of shadowy bankers has launched Americans Elect, which is seeking ballot access in all fifty states to allow Americans to pick their own nominee for president, as long as that nominee meets with the approval of said shadowy group of bankers. This group has its own idea of who could be a standard bearer, and despite their initial hesitancy at joining a non-existent party, they are awesome:
A new group that hopes to tap into a rising appetite for a third-party presidential challenger has discovered that $30 million in secret cash can buy ballot access and attention, but not necessarily a dream candidate.
The group, Americans Elect, failed to generate interest in possible campaigns from Sens. Joe Lieberman and Lamar Alexander, and its intensive outreach to a host of other prospective candidates, including former Nebraska Sens. Chuck Hagel and Bob Kerrey, hasn’t yielded much public enthusiasm for its efforts.
No public enthusiasm? Unpossible! I mean — Chuck Hagel! Joe Lieberman! Bob Kerrey! Lamar Alexander! If David Broder were still alive, he’d die of joy at such a line-up of bland white centrists. It’s the party of the Beltway’s dreams. I mean, sure, there’s no consistent ideology among those guys, and, yeah, they have wildly different views on things like whether gay people should have equal rights, or women should be able to have abortions. But they’re serious! And willing to make hard decisions! And serious!
I just can’t believe they turned down Americans Elect. The chance to finish fourth for president doesn’t come along often, guys! I mean, imagine the joy of a Lieberman-Hagel ticket. Imagine President Lamar Alexander! (Who hasn’t?) It’s like a magical dream. Shh. Don’t wake the Beltway Boys up.
I believe they were very keen on Huntsman, too