Trigger warning for sexual violence:
I am a feminist because feminism is the only politics I know that commits itself explicitly to a world without sexual objectification and the personal, cultural, socioeconomic and political violence—mostly, but not only against women—that comes from it;
I am a feminist because it was in feminism that I first found the language to name what the man who lived on the second floor of my building did to my thirteen-year-old self when he forced his penis into my mouth, pushed my voice back down into my throat and filled me with a silence that made any words I spoke afterwards feel simultaneously untrue and unreal;
I am a feminist because that silence left me voiceless when the second man who presumed that my body was his to do with as he pleased did precisely that;
I am a feminist because, like both those men, I was raised in a culture where men are taught that it is our right sexually to objectify those who are weaker or are perceived as “less than” we are, starting but not ending with women;
I am a feminist because I do not want that right, because I never want to stand on the same side as my abusers;
I am a feminist because, if I am honest with myself, I cannot deny that I am, as a man, always and already on that side, because to be honest with myself is to recognize the changes that my side needs to make;
So, since feminism is the only politics I know that commits itself explicitly to a world without sexual objectification and the personal, cultural, socioeconomic and political violence that comes from it—mostly, but not only against women—I am a feminist.
I was 15 when I was raped by a much older man. I’m now 38, but I can’t ever say that the experience is “behind me”. It’s coloured by entire life.
Thank you for writing this. Every time a victim of sexual violence, whatever their sex or gender, publicly admits what happens to them and asserts it wasn’t their fault, we are all stronger.
I think this is the first time I have done so myself.
By the way, I too, am a feminist.
Ms. Sunlight,
Thank you for these words. They mean a lot to me. And I am happy to have helped you find a voice in which to say the things you need to start saying. I respect and honor the courage it takes to do so.
Richard, my profound respect for your will and courage in speaking publicly about what happened to you, and to use it to exemplify the importance of the broader issues.
Ms. Sunlight, congratulations on speaking out publicly. I’m not there yet (those four words are the closest I’ve come), but I can appreciate some of what it takes do write what you did.
Grace
Grace:
In complete solidarity: starting is what matters. Good for you for saying as much as you are able. I hope it makes it easier to say more over time.
Thank you. My feminism also stems from being sexually assaulted as a teenager. I did not consider myself one at the beginning of my freshman year of college, but upon reading feminist texts that first semester, they resonated with me based on my own experiences of rape and by the time that class ended I was calling myself a feminist. It’s felt right ever since.
Frankly, all of the crimes described here would make me more of a law and order person. Whatever connection with objectification is asserted, I don’t know anyone who is in favor of the kind of stuff described here.
Penelope:
Just wondering, and I mean this as an honest, not a baiting question: Do you identify as a feminist?
Penelope,
If you had posted your comment before I posted mine, I almost certainly would not have posted the four words I highlighted. Food for thought.
Grace
Psychopaths.
I propose that people who abuse others in the ways described above are also likely to abuse others in other ways. Abuse such as what’s described above is horrific – but then so are many other kinds of abuse. I would not describe myself as a feminist, but not out of hostility towards the goal of not objectifying people on the basis of their sex.
It seems to me – and no, I’ve never taken Feminism 101, so correct me if I’m wrong – that feminism centers the origin of the evil in the world on the basis of inequality of sexual roles. I don’t see it that way. Some people seek power over others, and the more dedicated they are to that the more they will take advantage of whatever means they can use to divide the world into “us” and “not-us” and exploit the differences between the two. Race, sex, physical abilities, ethnic origin, religion and others are all tools in the box that can be weaponized for use in seeking power. Doing so using sex is wrong. But I don’t see that it’s the source of all the others, or unique in this regard.
I believe that you’re wrong.
I dunno, maybe you can read any of several thousand posts and comments on the issue in the archives of this blog and come up with a better understanding of Feminism. Or maybe I can, once again, do the hard, hard work for you.
My impression is that the mocking approaches (apparently tolerated from longer-term members) and self-righteousness on this thread simply shut down any chance of a real discussion.
I guess that’s my heartfelt contribution. I’m not going to be on the wrong side of a virtual stomp-down (LOL), so I’m out of this thread.
What the heck, Richard – you’re the person who wrote it, so let me ask you directly.
Do you see sexual objectification as a source of those kinds of outcomes or the source? Or somewhere in between (e.g., “the primary source”)?
Before you answer, let me assure you that you are not going to see a bunch of lengthy follow-up posts from me attempting to prove or disprove some position on the question. Properly researching such would take a lot more time than I have, never mind subsequently writing it up. I’m just interested to know what your opinion is.
Come on, RonF and PAP;
IANAM but even as someone who disagrees with RJN all the time, I can still see that this is not the type of thread that y’all are making it into.
Penelope:
I don’t see that anyone mocked you, or anyone else for that matter. I asked my question about whether or not you consider yourself a feminist in good faith, and I am sorry that you don’t think this thread will be a safe space for you; but I will also take your withdrawal to mean that you intuit your perspective might not be welcome here and thank you for opting out. Whatever discussion your perspective might have engendered, and however valuable it might have been, it’s a lot more important to me that people like Grace and Ms. Sunlight feel safe than that people who are not survivors do–and I am making the assumption, based on your post, that you are not a survivor of any kind of sexual assault. If I am wrong about that, I apologize.
Ron:
First, I agree with Jake. You have misunderstood and mischaracterized feminism. Second, there is indeed a large and well-established body of work that demonstrates the fundamental connection between oppression of many different kinds and sexual objectification. In some cases, it is relatively easy to see sexual objectification as what I will call the original ideological impulse, for want of some better term; in other case, sexual objectification is shown to play a central role. This is part of what understanding the kyriarchy, what intersectionality, is all about.
More immediately and more personally, though, I was not making the argument that one has to be a feminist to oppose sexual objectification; nor was I making the claim that sexual objectification is the only source of all the personal, cultural, socioeconomic and political violence in the world; nor was I defining feminism as being only about sexual objectification in the relatively narrow sense of that term that applies to the sexual abuse I survived. Rather, I was declaring that, as far as I know, and if someone knows otherwise, please tell me–I really do want to know–feminism is the only politics that commits itself explicitly to a world without sexual objectification and that this is why I am a feminist. The post, in other words, is a manifesto, not a carefully reasoned argument. It’s telling to me that both you and Penelope chose to respond to it, perhaps a little defensively, as if it were the latter.
Ron,
Your second post posted while I was writing mine, which is why it does not read as an answer to your direct–and thank you for that–question.
G&W,
Thanks for that. Your post also posted while I was writing mine.
@Penelope
Wow, yeah… RJN is consistently one of the most caring, deeply introspective bloggers here (and that’s saying something on this blog.) RonF, gin-and-whiskey, and mythago are our power sources that keep us on our toes. Grace Annam, Amp, and Jake Squid help keep us grounded to reality. I’m sure there’s more I’m leaving out, but since I’m mostly a lurker these days, they can speak for themselves.
If there’s any mocking, it’s still coming from a place of having commented here for years and being intimately familiar through thousands of posts and comments. It’s a family dynamic. Everybody gets on your nerves every so often, and here is no different. There’s still an abiding concern under it. We would all care if something happened to one of the commenters here.
(Edited to add – Amp does a great job moderating as well. I don’t think I’ve ever been on a blog that is as friendly as this one that talks about such complex issues.)
RJN, thanks for the answer. Penelope, I don’t know if you were referring to me, but it was not – and is rarely, although I confess occasionally – my intent to mock.
Ron F. #9: It’s not only psychopaths who are pro-rape, though. It’s politicians who think nothing of distinguishing “real rape” from the other 98% of rape cases, or who try to make political points by asserting that “some girls rape easy.” It’s people like my boyfriend, who, despite being an ally to me in some ways, think that rape jokes are hilarious. Hell, it’s people like the woman who answered the rape hotline I called 20 years ago, who told me that my experience of having a male friend undress and then rape me while his cousin held my arms and I said no repeatedly “didn’t sound like rape” to her because we had been drinking and I knew my rapists.
It’s part of what makes it so difficult to navigate daily life as someone who has been raped. You’re never far away from those who want you to know that they stand on the same side as your abusers.
Bee, I’m sorry you went through that. It’s terrible that so many people get re-victimized after the original crime like that.
Bee:: Thanks for sharing your story. I am, like closetpuritan, sorry people who should know better put you through all that, but I am happy for you that you are strong enough to speak out as you have done here.
Simple Truth: That is a wonderful thumbnail sketch of the dynamic on this blog. If there were an About page for participants, that would be great text for it. Thanks.
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I’ve been waiting a few days to post here as I didn’t want to get caught in the argument from earlier. But I just wanted to say, as someone whose personal path towards feminism has taken a very different route – RJN, Ms. Sunlight, Grace, Alyson, Bee – thanks for your courage in posting what you have. It is a testament and a reminder as to why this is all important.