A few weeks ago my partner’s son B was here for the holidays, and as usual he and I spent a great deal of time together. I’m often curious about when and how kids learn about race, and I always observe how B discusses race. He is a dark skinned black child, and I am a very fair skinned white person, which makes it fairly obvious to any on-looker that I am not his biological mother.
In the past three years his understanding of race has changed. At the age of 4, he was fairly clueless about race. He knew people had different colors but had no concept of race. At 5, he used the racial terms “black” and “white” to refer to people on some occasions. However, his use of black and white didn’t necessarily follow with the rest of society. He called both the East Indian girl and the Chicano boy at the playground black. Basically everybody who wasn’t pale white was black, and the deciding factor was skin color. Anybody darker than honey was black. (At 5, I also remember him asking me why people were looking at us (he and I), but he never connected it to race.)
Now fast forward to our Easter Holiday this year. He is 7, and his understandings of race have changed. They conform more closely to social standards. His racial awareness is also heightened, when I am around him. I think there were a few interaction and exchanges where this was very clear.
In the first case, he and I had taken the train to pick up daddy from work. Since I have never ridden the train with a child, I was overcharged. The conductor told me to exchange the ticket for the reduced family fair when we exited at our stop. I went up to the counter, and said to the ticket agent, “I need to exchange this ticket for my son because I was overcharged.”
He was standing right by me, and started laughing, “Why did you tell her I’m your son?”
I said, “I know you’re not my son. I was just trying to make it easier for her to understand.”
B replied, “But she won’t think I’m your son.”
I responded, “Why do you say that?”
B said, “She might think you took me because I’m black and you’re white.”
I thought this whole exchange was revealing. He already has the sense that blacks and whites are separated–that black kids and white adults don’t look right to others.
The second incident was even more interesting. B and I were shopping at a drug store, and the following exchange ensued. When we went up to pay, he said,
“Why were those people looking at us?”
Rachel: “What do you mean?”
B: “Were they looking at me because I’m black and you’re white? They want to know if you are my mommy.”
Rachel: “Why do you think that?”
B: (very matter matter of factly) “Because black kids have black moms.”
Rachel: “Can black kids have white moms?”
B: (laughing at what he thinks is a joke) “Black kids can’t have white moms.”
Rachel: “So if I have a kid, will that kid be black or white?”
B: “White.”
Rachel: “If I have a kid with daddy, will that kid be black or white?” (For the record Daddy is black.)
B: “White.”
Rachel: “But daddy’s black, and he would be the daddy?”
B: “So the kid will be black.”
Rachel: “But I’m white, and I’m the mommy.”
B: (Telling what he thinks is a really funny joke.) “It will be a purple alien baby.”
Rachel: “Not it won’t be an alien. It will be black and white. Did you know that some people are black and white? And some people aren’t either black or white.”
B: “Really.”
Rachel: “Some kids have black mommies and white daddies, and some kids have white mommies and black daddies. And sometimes a black kid can have a white mommy and a white daddy, or a white kid can have a black daddy and a black mommy. That’s like adoption. Do you know what adoption is?”
B: “When a black kid has a white mommy?”
Rachel: “No, adoption is when a mommy has and child but asks another mommy to take care of the child.”
I think this was the end of the conversation, but I found it interesting how conscious he was of other people looking at him and me. He very clearly connected it to race. On a few occasions in the past, I have had children ask me if I was his mommy. It was very clear that race had a factor in these questions because they were posed with a sense of doubt. B even struggles with his interaction around me, frequently calling me mommy and then correcting himself or having me correct him.
These are the kinds of issues that frequently come up in mixed race families. They are also faced by monoracial families even if they don’t realize it. The two white children who asked if I was B’s mommy were also confronted with their (mis)understandings of race. I do wonder if it would be different if I was the black one and he was white. Given that we live in a fairly rich area, where many upper middle class and upper class white parents have women of color as their nannies, it is not too uncommon to see black and brown women taking care of small white kids. However, a white women taking care of a black child is almost unheard of, which is why we probably get some many stares. To be honest I don’t notice the stares, but B does. I think I don’t notice the stares because having been in an interracial relationship for a while I’m used to stares. As a defense and coping mechanism, I tune out the stares. I generally act like I don’t see people starting because I don’t have the time or energy to explain to them why it is annoying. Moreover, you never know why people are staring. If the stare is the curiosity stare, I let it go, but if it is the hateful racism stare, I’m much more inclined to respond. It will be interesting to see if B develops the same defense mechanism. Hopefully, he’ll be here for the whole summer this year, which will give him time to get used to being with me
Personally, I think these kinds of conversations are important to have. I don’t bring up race too much with B, but when he brings it up, I try my best to get him to understand that many of the common understandings of race are wrong. I haven’t taught him about racism, yet. Well, I did tell him about Rosa Parks because he saw a book about her, but apparently at 7 Junie B. Jones and Captain Underpants are way more interesting than Rosa Parks.
No question, Captain Underpants rules for a 7 year old.
I still don’t get that Captain underpants. He was trying to explain it, and he kept flipping back and forth. He said look for what’s different. This is definitely one of the things we are going to figure out this summer.
I first noticed race-conciousness in my oldest when he was in day-care and referred to his “brown friend” and I assumed he meant a Hispanic child; nope, he was talking about an African-American kid but was being literal in the way only pre-schoolers can since Hispanic kids were also “brown.” As for my youngest, I’ve learned a valuable lesson about being careful how you expose children to unpleasant aspects of history. After the whole family flew to Georgia and drove home along Nunna Daul Tsunyi (The Trail of Tears), he’s made several derogatory comments about white people in general (“except for momma, she’s okay”).
LC said, “…he’s made several derogatory comments about white people in general (“except for momma, she’s okay”).”
What kinds of things did he say?
Sydney is just beginning to be race-conscious, but in a very minor and (it seems to me) so far harmless way. A couple of friends of her parents’ are exchange students here from Japan. For some reason, Sydney fixated on the idea that they are “Japanese,” and that became her word of the week. Like, when the exchange students said good night and started leaving, Sydney said “No, please don’t go, Japanese!”
Since then, if sees someone Indian, Asian, or Native American on TV, she’s like to identify them as Japanese — she doesn’t understand exactly what the word Japanese means.
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Is a lot of it actually race related though? I know from being a kid and having worked around my Brother’s and Mother’s schools that kids pick on the first thing they can, and even tend to use it as an identifier. So kids that aren’t as thin as them are fat, those with red hair become carrot tops, those with glasses speccy etc… how much of this is actually racism/sizism/colourism and how much is kids being kids and selecting the first obvious thing about a person.
“What kinds of things did he say?”
He told his cousin, “Never trust the white man!” After we got turned around and stuck on a turnpike near Tulsa, he later told his mama, “It’s bad enough the white man took our land; now we have to pay to drive on it!” I thought those were fairly innocuous and cute, but he’s also said, “We dont like white men, except for mama,” or when he and I (or he and I and his brother) do things together, “Only Indians are allowed.” As I said, they started out fairly cute, but I’ve been telling him not to generalize about people, not to think all white people are bad, and pointing out that he doesn’t like it when people think he lives in a tipi or eats buffalo meat, etc.
When my sister was in kindergarten, she once described one of her classmates as “the girl with the fluffy hair.” My parents found it interesting that she found her classmate’s hair texture to be her most distinguishing physical feature.
well,this is a very interesting story…from another perspective,it has been quite remarkable what some children do not know about race…my 6 yr old goes to a very diverse,urban school in california. none of the children of any background refer to one another’s race—in fact,none of them even ‘get’ that a white baby would be born from a white person,etc. in fact,one little boy, african american and adopted by a single gay man,does not make this connection in his own life. [some of the children-some of his friends-actually also asked if he grew in his dad’s belly].
his classroom focused on conflict and social skills,along with development for each individual child,comparing her/him only with herself/himself.
My child,from about age 2-4,used to refer to people by the color of their shift-spontaneously-he would say ‘the green boy’,etc. i always was a little anxious if someone had a black or brown shirt on,if it would be taken out of context by someone at the park who of course had no idea what he was referring to,but assumed otherwise.
so,it is interesting to see how concepts develop for children,good or bad.
although knowing about social issues is important,and it’s likely that in our world all children will experience some form of bias or stereotyping or worse,i don’t believe we need to indoctrinate them into political correctness anymore than we would want to do so with racism. they are being children and enjoying one another,while developing with less of the burden of entire centuries of legacy on their backs-
i just feel it is so important to teach what is developmentally appropriate. for Martin Luther King Day,his teacher discussed the importance of the day and of a man who helped many people be treated more fairly and justly. it was as they say ‘age appropriate’ ,for what the children were really able to process cognitively. it is their [the children’s] job,after all,to play and learn about themselves,but also to be empowered to create a new kind of world. we can only support them in doing so by not completely immersing them in the old world.
I think right around 7 is when kids start figuring out the social context of race. Up until then, they are looking at individuals and probably “get” that people come with different color skin, different hair, and so on. Depending on their environment, they may figure out that skin color is important somehow, but I don’t think they start working on understanding *why* until about 7. My son when he was younger would sometimes distinguish among his friends by skin color, but usually only if he couldn’t think of the name or other identifier. Frequently it was, “Josh whose mommy drives a red SUV and always picks him up last,” or “Ben whose daddy keeps forgetting his lunch” or “Maya who always wears pink”.
i’m biracial (asian/african american) and my niece and nephew are, as well (asian/african american/latino). they are very very fair, as is my sister and her husband. when i revisit los angeles, my niece pulls up next to me and looks intently into my face and asks if i’m really her mommy’s sister; every visit, same question.
i can understand the questions: her tios and tias look just like her father; but i’m tita D- and look nothing like my niece’s mother. then my dad comes around and completely confuses things: he’s dark like a roasted walnut and my niece is constantly looking at all of us, just taking our word that we’re all related but not really seeing how.
but my dad, when he takes the kids out, makes a point of loudly announcing that they’re his grandkids: he once told me he’s afraid of someone accusing him in public of stealing the children and forcing him to prove he’s their grandfather.
I distinctly recall, when I was about 4 or 5, my mom got me a cabbage patch doll, which I picked out because she was a “premie” like me. She was also a “black” doll, which I didnt make much of until kids a friend, wiht a look of horror, asked me why I ( a white girl) had a black doll. I already had the idea that there were black people and white people, but her confusion and horror made me try to understand more. I think I had never thought about white people and black people being related to one another or not. -I came home and asked my mom “Can white mommys have black babies?” “yes” “can black mommies have white babies?” “yes.”
Later, as I became more familiar with social concepts of race, my mom’s answers continued to confuse me. Probably I remained confused as to why my mom answered that way right up until college.
But, my experience of my friend jumping all over me for being a white girl with a black doll makes me think that this whole thing can start much earlier than 7.
a counter example though, is one about my adopted african american brother. He has two white adoptive parents and is a little more than a decade younger than me. In kindergarten kids were very concerned about his parantage after meeting both his parents, asking “are those really your parents?” him: “yes” different kid: “are you sure they’re not your grandparents? They’re so old!”
My sister and I were adopted. She’s Hispanic/white with gorgeous brown hair, eyes, and a dark complexion. I’m blonde and fair. We were always having to explain to other kids that we were “real” sisters, and yes, we had the same mom and dad. We never considered that we looked like we didn’t belong together until someone else pointed it out.
I always hated that “real” brothers/sisters bit when I was a kid. Yes we’re real! Not a figment of your imagination!
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i’M SO glad you wrote this post.
“He is a dark skinned black child, and I am a very fair skinned white person, which makes it fairly obvious to any on-looker that I am not his biological mother.”
Actually, if you pay attention, you will fairly quickly get that this is not necessarily the case at all. European-American mothers can biologically have babies that are quite dark, just as African-Americans can have babies much lighter than either parent. I don’t know all the genetics involved, particularly related to the former, but it happens regularly.
Besides, depth of skin-tone aside, my honey-colored bi-racial daughter and I got questions on all sides — even from rank strangers — from the beginning. And still do.
As far as your partner’s son calling you “Mommy” when he’s around you a lot, that has to do with his perception of you as a care-giver. What is a Mommy anyway? He’s seeing you as “with” his father and taking care of him. You don’t mention how long you and your partner have been together, but your partner’s son is bonding with you, something that really cannot be avoided as long as the situation stays as it is. I’ve known a number of children and young people who considered themselves to have more than one “Mom.”
I actually have a picture of him and daddy somewhere on this site. Here is a link. We are in really bright sunlight.
I do know what you are saying. People often think that white mothers of biracial children are not their mother’s, and sometimes vice versa.
On a message board I belong to for toddler moms, there are a couple of bi-racial families. One posted about her experience with a birthday party where a woman assumed two times (after being told the first time she was not adopted) that the child was adopted and made some such comments. The mother was offended.
(she’s white, the child is bi-racial but “looks” black)
Another woman has a 4 year old son who does not look black at all and she and her husband FREQUENTLY have to field questions in front of their children about whether or not the father is the “real” father. (Father is black, child is very very light skinned – looks white). So sad.
just an editing note: As a defense and coping mechanism, I tune out the stares. I generally act like I don’t see people starting because I don’t have the time or energy to explain to them why it is annoying.
I enjoyed this blog thank you. I am a mixed woman mexican/german/ russian. my long time boyfriend is black/somoan. so best believe we get those stares. =) have a good day!