Chris Brown tried to choke Rihanna. That was while he was threatening to kill her. And the stans are out in force claiming that she deserved it/provoked him/he didn’t do it on purpose. I would say I don’t know WTF is wrong with people, but I see this shit a lot. From men who want to justify it and from women who think it could never happen to them. Here’s the thing, abusers never seem like they’re violent to people on the outside, and in the beginning of the relationship they are the *perfect* partner. I mean it, they are absolutely the best partner their victim has ever had. They have all the romantic touches down, they’re a great listener (the best you’ll ever meet), and before long they have insinuated themselves into every single aspect of their victim’s life. As soon as they can’t imagine life without this person, they’re in deep shit.
Why? That’s when the abuse starts. And it’s not overt or even necessarily something that anyone would recognize as problematic. Because it’s just words, little subtle digs at their self-image that come from this wonderful person who knows them so well and loves them so much. And so they listen, and they lose a little of themselves. It’s that slow chipping away that’s important. Because without it? The first blow will be the last one. And the abuser can’t have that, so they lay the groundwork. But sometimes that chipping away doesn’t work, or at least not fast enough for the abuser. Maybe they’ve been pushed too far too fast, maybe at their base they’re not broken enough, maybe they are just plain contrary, or maybe they get fed up early in the cycle. Who knows? But when things don’t go according to plan the abuser flips their shit. Annihilation time if they can manage it.
And the fucked up part? They’re not necessarily consciously aware of what they’re doing to the victim. So they can tell themselves that they’re not a bad person, and they’ve never been this way with anyone else, that it’ll never happen again and a half dozen other things that add up to not having to face the reality that they’re hurting someone very badly. Because in their own heads they love their victim. Even when they want to control them and crush them. They love them so much that they can’t let the relationship end, or risk their SO meeting someone else, or whatever else is the trigger of the moment. And people will swear that something big must have happened to provoke them, but the reality is that they’re a ticking time bomb. All day. Every day. Whether it is a burnt dinner, a tone of voice, or being successful, there is nothing the victims could have, should have, would have done to defuse that bomb.
And people will say “Why didn’t she just leave?” like that would fix something. Know when most victims die? When they try to get out. And the craziest part is that people will still swear they should have tried harder, left earlier, done something other than whatever they did. Because victim-blaming is the most comfortable emotional reaction for a lot of folks. Here’s the thing, for a whole host of reasons there’s no way to spot an abuser at a glance, and even if you do figure it out fairly early in the relationship, there’s no guarantee that the fuse on that bomb isn’t so short that you’re already in danger. Does that mean no one should date? No. But it does mean that people should stop blaming the victim and start blaming the abuser. Want to get them help? Great. But don’t serve it with a side of justification for the abuser’s actions, or disdain for the victim. Domestic violence crosses every line regardless of money, race, or religion and we need to start treating it like the sickness it is instead of hiding from it. Yes I got out of my marriage, but it was hard and required me to do some things that I’m not proud of even though they saved my life. Luckily I had friends that truly supported me, and now I hope Rihanna (and every other victim) has friends that will stand by them until they can call themselves a survivor and get on with life.
Amen!
Making the rounds… Ironically, this past week we ran a review of Battle Cries: Black Women and Intimate Partner Abuse by Hillary Potter, which has an interesting analysis of how DV affects Black women.
Well said. I would only add that abusers aren’t always romantic and charming and perfect at the beginning. Sometimes they just want a person who has never felt wanted. Sometimes the abuse is just different than the abuse someone has experienced in childhood or maybe the abuser is sober and that is the major criterion. But I think the point you made and well-made is that the attraction is based on something that is understood as positive and as the relationship goes on there is an insidious undermining of the victim’s judgement that makes the abuse possible. In addition, victims are isolated, also in subtle and insidious ways, so that there is no one else to give realistic feedback or support. I’m glad you got out. So did I. And now I have a wonderful spouse and family of my own.
it’s so easy for people to have an opinion of something when they’re on the outside, and victim blaming fits into that. no one really understands how hard it is to get out of an abusive relationship, because there are so many factors that just aren’t considered. there’s no work involved in saying “she should’ve left.” well, “should’ve” isn’t reality…
Thank you for posting this. It’s so important. I’d like to believe saying it more often, saying it better, will convince more people.
And the stans are out in force claiming that she deserved it/provoked him/he didn’t do it on purpose. I would say I don’t know WTF is wrong with people, but I see this shit a lot.
I see it too. I think people say it (want to believe it) because it’s so scary to accept that it wasn’t her fault. If something so horrible can happen to a decent person, a smart person, a brave person, a respectable person, there is no way anyone can be safe. It’s even more terrifying than thinking, “it might happen to you.” It’s thinking “it might happen to you, and there is nothing you can possibly do to protect yourself, ever.” I’ve seen lots of examples of deeply terrified people not being logical or compassionate, just wanting to believe something that will make them feel safer.