I was having a conversation a few weeks ago with a friend about some very deep subjects and in the midst of it I said something like, “We all have our Fail moments. People fuck up. Even I fail sometimes. It’s what you do when you fail that counts.” My friend said, “Can I put that on a shirt? ‘Even the ABW Fails sometimes!’” It’s totally true.
Latest example happened just a bit ago. At WisCon I had a chat with someone about a post from my personal blog that they found very troubling and problematic. And there have been other instances in the past, some of which I’m probably not aware of. I have no illusions of being perfect and know quite well that one can be an activist or be aware of issues and very intelligent yet still mess up.
I hope that what sets me apart from people who fail badly is that I am willing to admit when I’ve messed up, put the brakes on being defensive, listen to the people I’ve hurt or offended or angered, do what I can to make recompense, and strive not to fail in that way again. I personally only got to the point of being able to do this because I’ve been so involved in ABW stuff for the past few years. I feel that I can’t ask others to walk this path unless I’m willing to walk it myself. Plus, it’s the right thing to do, and I strive to do the right things.
It is rather frustrating when I have my fail moments because I go: WTF I should know better! But life is learning, everyone makes mistakes, and living a fail-free life is probably a lot like attaining enlightenment. It requires work, a lot of looking inside yourself, a lot of time, and possibly some Yoga training.
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Actually “attaining enlightenment” (or however you refer to it) is quite a bit like how you described your own reaction. Being open to the possibility of failing without judgment or harsh criticism. Admitting we made a mistake, but instead of blaming ourselves and feeling that we were wrong, it can be more beneficial to simply face the discomfort of our mistake. We will always “fail” and make mistakes–whether we have reached a place of “enlightenment” or not. It is by continually facing the discomfort of those mistakes (as you so gracefully did), rather than running away, that we will enable our heart to open ever wider.
Thank you for your courage and for this post.
This is a lesson that a lot of people don’t learn. It’s also one that people seem to not teach their kids. I haven’t commented on too many of your posts, so you may not be aware that I do a lot of work in the Boy Scouts. I have found a couple of things that pertain to this.
First, kids tend to think that if they screw up all they have to do is say “I’m sorry.” It falls to me to teach them “If you’re really sorry, you have to not only say so, you have to do whatever you can to fix the problem, even if it’s going to take time and/or money you had not anticipated.” Now, that doesn’t surprise or annoy me. They’re kids. They have to learn. I tell them “A child tries to blame someone else for their mistakes. A man (they’re boys, I’d use a different word if I was talking to a girl) takes responsibility for their mistakes and makes up for it.”
But second, what actually does annoy the shit out of me is when Mom and Dad complain to me when their kid is, in fact, held responsible for his mistakes, and when they do everything they can to teach their kid how to blame other people for everything they do or that goes wrong. Hell, it seems that much of our legal system is built on a formalization of that philosophy.
By which I come around to saying that I’m glad you take the attitude you do (that wouldn’t be a bad T-shirt), but recognize that you’re swimming against the current culture.
I put it this way: human beings hurt each other. The question for any good relationship (friend, lover, child, parent) is “what do we do after we hurt each other?”