Alas, a Blog

Remember Dr. Mike S. Adams? Sure you do! He’s the misogynistic, anti-feminist douchebag who somehow teaches at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington.

At any rate, one of Mikey’s friends sent him an email the other day — allegedly, anyhow — about how his once God-fearing, Republican daughter had gone off to college and become a damn socialist. Dr. Mike, being the massive tool that he is, decides that this is awful, and he wants to cure her “STD” with a three-point program of pure wingnuttery.

This will all end in tears.

Thanks for writing me with your concerns about your daughter’s recent visit home from college. I don’t have a daughter but I can understand the concern you have after seeing such dramatic changes in her after just six months at a public university. After all, you didn’t save money for eighteen long years in order to pay someone to teach her to despise the values you taught for, well, eighteen long years.

First of all, I want you to understand that many of the crazy ideas you hear your daughter espousing are commonplace on college campuses. Nonetheless, it must have been shocking for you to hear that she supported Barack Obama in the last election principally because of his ideas about “the redistribution of wealth.” I know you were also disappointed to hear of her sudden opposition to the War on Terror and her sudden embrace of the United Nations. Most of all, I know you are disappointed that she has stopped going to church altogether.

Awful, horrible stuff. The man’s daughter went off to college and actually learned to think for herself. Now that she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions about who to vote for, what church to belong to (if any), and what policies are important to her.

Now, you may say, “Jeff, isn’t that actually what we want? Our children to grow up into people who can think for themselves, people who can stand on their own two feet?”

That’s what I want. But not everyone feels that way:

Now that your daughter is not going to church it will be easier to get her to accept other policies based on economic and cultural Marxism. Socialist professors like the fact that average church attendance drops dramatically after just one year of college. God and socialism are simply incompatible. One cannot worship both Jesus Christ and Karl Marx.

Absolutely true, Dr. Mike. After all, Jesus is the guy who said (in Luke 18:24-25), “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” There’s nothing there compatible with the idea that workers should own the means of production, and that wealth should be distributed fairly!

More seriously, this is an unintentionally telling paragraph. Most liberal parents I know expect that when their kids are older, they’ll disagree on some things in politics and philosophy. I don’t expect my daughter to end up in exactly the same place as I am politically, and while I think she’s likely to end up a feminist and reasonably humanist, I also expect her to take her own journey to those beliefs. Indeed, if my daughter doesn’t question what she believes in, doesn’t look for opposing views, doesn’t veer off in odd directions once in a while, if she simply takes what I’ve said as gospel and parrots it back — well, she won’t believe it at all, in my book. To believe, you have to have questioned.

For conservative parents, contrawise, the idea of questioning is abhorrent. Conservatism is, at its very core, authoritarian. A leader speaks, followers obey. A patriarch is not supposed to be questioned, especially not by his daughter. That way leads chaos. Destruction. Liberalism.

Questioning and learning are bad. Rote memorization and recitation are good. This is the conservative way.

But don’t worry. Mike Adams may not have a brain, but he has an idea.

But there is good news, Steve. I think I can implement a program that will cure your daughter’s Socialist Teaching Disorder (STD) in just a few short days. In case you were wondering, I define STD as the sudden infatuation with socialism brought on by exposure to pro-socialist ideas without a corresponding exposure to anti-socialist ideas. Although not recognized by the APA, this emotional disorder is running rampant at American universities.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Mike S. Adams wouldn’t have made the STD joke if we were talking about the guy’s son. (We’ll get to the guy’s son in a minute).

The solution to your daughter’s STD is to be found in your decision to award her a sum of $4000 if she returns from her freshman year with a 3.5 GPA or above. Previously, you explained to me that you decided to do this for two reasons: 1) Your daughter had earned a $4000 scholarship, which meant you had the extra money, and 2) Your only son had gone to college five years ago and flunked out after one year.

And, you know, thank God, because otherwise the guy’s son might have become a liberal, too.

Now that your daughter has maintained a 3.6 GPA (so far) you are happy. But you are unhappy that you are about to reward her newfound love of socialism when you had only intended to reward her studiousness. I have a solution that involves three steps. If you follow these steps (in order) we’ll have this little problem cured in no time:

1. When your daughter returns from college in early May (presumably with a GPA over 3.5) I want you to tell her that you lied. Put simply, when she asks about her $4000 just tell her that you never really had any intention of delivering on your promises.

This revelation will, no doubt, cause significant consternation and outrage. But when she protests, simply point out that her choice for president, Barack Obama, also lied to her. Note that his lies about earmarks and line-by-line analysis of the budget will probably end up costing her more than $4000. She might say, “But you’re my father.” If she does, respond by saying “But I’m not your president.” If things get too uncomfortable, just tell her the $4000 promise was technically “last year’s business.”

Oh, yeah. That will sure do it. I’m sure your daughter will be totally convinced that your decision to withhold the $4000 you promised her is no worse than Obama having signed a budget into law that has earmarks, unlike every single budget passed in American history. Also, she can’t possibly fire back that the Iraq War has already cost her that $4000 and then some. Additionally, there’s no better way to prove the inherent superiority of the wealthy than to show them to be liars. (It is, I will admit, a good lesson of how America’s wealthy operate, but let’s not even mention that.)

2. When your daughter has cooled down somewhat from the realization that her father is a confessed liar I want you to strike again. Since your son, now 23, still lives at home it will be possible for you to implement step two in the presence of both children. This step will involve simply taking out your wallet and writing a $2000 check to your son.

This action will, no doubt, cause even more consternation and outrage for your daughter. She may well point out that her brother is unemployed. She may also point out that he has been in rehab twice and that he once punched you in the face while under the influence of drugs. But, when she protests, simply say that it was Barack Obama who taught you to reward failure.

She may well say “But that’s half of the money I was supposed to get.” If so, point out that it is Barack Obama who would like to take other people’s money – at least half, if not more – and use much of it to reward bad behavior. By this time, she will probably hate socialism and the lesson will have saved you a lot of money.

Oh, Christ, it’s like the not leaving a tip thing, only dumber.

Look, in no universe is half of the money the rich people make going to the poor. Barack Obama isn’t proposing taking most of rich people’s money and giving it to the poor. Barack Obama is proposing taking 39 percent of the money rich people make above and beyond $250,000, not counting deductions, of which rich people usually have many.

Certainly, in no universe is all the money the rich people make going to the poor. This analogy is patently stupid and completely intellectually dishonest, sort of like Mike S. Adams. Not to mention that if I had two kids, one of whom was a violent drug addict, the other of whom was an honor student whose political views had shifted in the past year, I think I can tell you that the honor student would be getting the $4000 with gratitude.

Now, Mike S. Adams is pretty sure that he’s convinced this woman that socialism is teh suck, rather than convincing her that her father is a lying asshole. But just in case this hasn’t worked, Mike’s going to get actively involved:

But, just in case the point is not yet made, there is a third step to my plan. And this is where I get actively involved.

Yeah, that’s what I said.

3. I’m going to take your daughter and the remaining $2000 – in the form of one hundred $20 bills – to the “hood.” Specifically, I am going to take her to places where crack cocaine is sold here in Wilmington in the middle of the afternoon. This will include grocery stores and actual crack houses.

So, guy who wrote Mike Adams for help, just for the record, Mike S. Adams has proposed taking your 18-year-old daughter and a fat stack of $2000 to a crack house.That alone should be enough to persuade you that Mike S. Adams has the worst ideas in the universe. But don’t worry.

Don’t worry about your daughter’s safety as I will be armed with a .357 magnum loaded with 145-grain silver tipped hollow point bullets.

Because if there’s one thing crack dealers are totally unfamiliar with, it’s guns. They’ll never expect the white douchebag college professor to be packing heat.

Also, and I’m just speculating here, but Mike, you really might want to see a psychologist about that. Most enlightened men come to realize that it doesn’t really matter how big it is, and frankly, partners are usually willing to accept almost any size as long as you’re willing to take other steps to satisfy their needs. With therapy, hopefully you can come to accept yourself as you are, and stop looking to compensate for your perceived inadequacies.

When I approach a crack head I will first ask whether he paid income taxes last year. If he says “no” I will hand him $20.

If he says “yes,” I will kill him.

If your daughter asks me why I give money to people who don’t pay taxes I’ll remind her that this is what President Obama does.

Of course, even crack dealers pay taxes — sales taxes, property taxes, bribes to local officials, business taxes on their shell companies — but let’s not complicate the matter.

Also, I wasn’t aware that Barack Obama’s fiscal plan was handing out $20s to crack dealers, but it’s a start.

Then I’ll ask her if she still believes in “spreading the wealth” without regard to individual merit.

And she’ll say “no,” because she’ll realize that Dr. Mike S. Adams is a professor at a state school, and therefore gets money from the state of North Carolina, clearly without regard for merit.

By the end of the afternoon, I can guarantee your daughter will be cured of her STD. Sorry if I sound overly optimistic, Steve. I got my optimism from the same place I got my love of capitalism. I learned it from Ronald Reagan, not Barack Obama.

Nobody tell Mike S. Adams that the top marginal tax rate was higher under Reagan than it is under Obama. His head might explode.

Oh, and near as I can tell, Mike S. Adams has proposed giving $4000 to drug dealers as a way to prove that socialism is bad. Adams is doing this to prove the inherent superiority of conservatism. But conservatives came up with that idiotic plan. Which pretty much proves, once and for all, that this guy’s daughter is right.

And fortunately, she’s smart, and when she decides once and for all to leave her druggie brother and asshole father behind, she’ll do very well for herself, whether or not her dad decides to give her the money.

(Via Sadly, No!)