Remember Dr. Mike S. Adams? Sure you do! He’s the misogynistic, anti-feminist douchebag who somehow teaches at the University of North Carolina at Wilmington.
At any rate, one of Mikey’s friends sent him an email the other day — allegedly, anyhow — about how his once God-fearing, Republican daughter had gone off to college and become a damn socialist. Dr. Mike, being the massive tool that he is, decides that this is awful, and he wants to cure her “STD” with a three-point program of pure wingnuttery.
This will all end in tears.
Thanks for writing me with your concerns about your daughter’s recent visit home from college. I don’t have a daughter but I can understand the concern you have after seeing such dramatic changes in her after just six months at a public university. After all, you didn’t save money for eighteen long years in order to pay someone to teach her to despise the values you taught for, well, eighteen long years.
First of all, I want you to understand that many of the crazy ideas you hear your daughter espousing are commonplace on college campuses. Nonetheless, it must have been shocking for you to hear that she supported Barack Obama in the last election principally because of his ideas about “the redistribution of wealth.” I know you were also disappointed to hear of her sudden opposition to the War on Terror and her sudden embrace of the United Nations. Most of all, I know you are disappointed that she has stopped going to church altogether.
Awful, horrible stuff. The man’s daughter went off to college and actually learned to think for herself. Now that she’s an adult, she’s making her own decisions about who to vote for, what church to belong to (if any), and what policies are important to her.
Now, you may say, “Jeff, isn’t that actually what we want? Our children to grow up into people who can think for themselves, people who can stand on their own two feet?”
That’s what I want. But not everyone feels that way:
Now that your daughter is not going to church it will be easier to get her to accept other policies based on economic and cultural Marxism. Socialist professors like the fact that average church attendance drops dramatically after just one year of college. God and socialism are simply incompatible. One cannot worship both Jesus Christ and Karl Marx.
Absolutely true, Dr. Mike. After all, Jesus is the guy who said (in Luke 18:24-25), “How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God! Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” There’s nothing there compatible with the idea that workers should own the means of production, and that wealth should be distributed fairly!
More seriously, this is an unintentionally telling paragraph. Most liberal parents I know expect that when their kids are older, they’ll disagree on some things in politics and philosophy. I don’t expect my daughter to end up in exactly the same place as I am politically, and while I think she’s likely to end up a feminist and reasonably humanist, I also expect her to take her own journey to those beliefs. Indeed, if my daughter doesn’t question what she believes in, doesn’t look for opposing views, doesn’t veer off in odd directions once in a while, if she simply takes what I’ve said as gospel and parrots it back — well, she won’t believe it at all, in my book. To believe, you have to have questioned.
For conservative parents, contrawise, the idea of questioning is abhorrent. Conservatism is, at its very core, authoritarian. A leader speaks, followers obey. A patriarch is not supposed to be questioned, especially not by his daughter. That way leads chaos. Destruction. Liberalism.
Questioning and learning are bad. Rote memorization and recitation are good. This is the conservative way.
But don’t worry. Mike Adams may not have a brain, but he has an idea.
But there is good news, Steve. I think I can implement a program that will cure your daughter’s Socialist Teaching Disorder (STD) in just a few short days. In case you were wondering, I define STD as the sudden infatuation with socialism brought on by exposure to pro-socialist ideas without a corresponding exposure to anti-socialist ideas. Although not recognized by the APA, this emotional disorder is running rampant at American universities.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Mike S. Adams wouldn’t have made the STD joke if we were talking about the guy’s son. (We’ll get to the guy’s son in a minute).
The solution to your daughter’s STD is to be found in your decision to award her a sum of $4000 if she returns from her freshman year with a 3.5 GPA or above. Previously, you explained to me that you decided to do this for two reasons: 1) Your daughter had earned a $4000 scholarship, which meant you had the extra money, and 2) Your only son had gone to college five years ago and flunked out after one year.
And, you know, thank God, because otherwise the guy’s son might have become a liberal, too.
Now that your daughter has maintained a 3.6 GPA (so far) you are happy. But you are unhappy that you are about to reward her newfound love of socialism when you had only intended to reward her studiousness. I have a solution that involves three steps. If you follow these steps (in order) we’ll have this little problem cured in no time:
1. When your daughter returns from college in early May (presumably with a GPA over 3.5) I want you to tell her that you lied. Put simply, when she asks about her $4000 just tell her that you never really had any intention of delivering on your promises.
This revelation will, no doubt, cause significant consternation and outrage. But when she protests, simply point out that her choice for president, Barack Obama, also lied to her. Note that his lies about earmarks and line-by-line analysis of the budget will probably end up costing her more than $4000. She might say, “But you’re my father.” If she does, respond by saying “But I’m not your president.” If things get too uncomfortable, just tell her the $4000 promise was technically “last year’s business.”
Oh, yeah. That will sure do it. I’m sure your daughter will be totally convinced that your decision to withhold the $4000 you promised her is no worse than Obama having signed a budget into law that has earmarks, unlike every single budget passed in American history. Also, she can’t possibly fire back that the Iraq War has already cost her that $4000 and then some. Additionally, there’s no better way to prove the inherent superiority of the wealthy than to show them to be liars. (It is, I will admit, a good lesson of how America’s wealthy operate, but let’s not even mention that.)
2. When your daughter has cooled down somewhat from the realization that her father is a confessed liar I want you to strike again. Since your son, now 23, still lives at home it will be possible for you to implement step two in the presence of both children. This step will involve simply taking out your wallet and writing a $2000 check to your son.
This action will, no doubt, cause even more consternation and outrage for your daughter. She may well point out that her brother is unemployed. She may also point out that he has been in rehab twice and that he once punched you in the face while under the influence of drugs. But, when she protests, simply say that it was Barack Obama who taught you to reward failure.
She may well say “But that’s half of the money I was supposed to get.” If so, point out that it is Barack Obama who would like to take other people’s money – at least half, if not more – and use much of it to reward bad behavior. By this time, she will probably hate socialism and the lesson will have saved you a lot of money.
Oh, Christ, it’s like the not leaving a tip thing, only dumber.
Look, in no universe is half of the money the rich people make going to the poor. Barack Obama isn’t proposing taking most of rich people’s money and giving it to the poor. Barack Obama is proposing taking 39 percent of the money rich people make above and beyond $250,000, not counting deductions, of which rich people usually have many.
Certainly, in no universe is all the money the rich people make going to the poor. This analogy is patently stupid and completely intellectually dishonest, sort of like Mike S. Adams. Not to mention that if I had two kids, one of whom was a violent drug addict, the other of whom was an honor student whose political views had shifted in the past year, I think I can tell you that the honor student would be getting the $4000 with gratitude.
Now, Mike S. Adams is pretty sure that he’s convinced this woman that socialism is teh suck, rather than convincing her that her father is a lying asshole. But just in case this hasn’t worked, Mike’s going to get actively involved:
But, just in case the point is not yet made, there is a third step to my plan. And this is where I get actively involved.
Yeah, that’s what I said.
3. I’m going to take your daughter and the remaining $2000 – in the form of one hundred $20 bills – to the “hood.” Specifically, I am going to take her to places where crack cocaine is sold here in Wilmington in the middle of the afternoon. This will include grocery stores and actual crack houses.
So, guy who wrote Mike Adams for help, just for the record, Mike S. Adams has proposed taking your 18-year-old daughter and a fat stack of $2000 to a crack house.That alone should be enough to persuade you that Mike S. Adams has the worst ideas in the universe. But don’t worry.
Don’t worry about your daughter’s safety as I will be armed with a .357 magnum loaded with 145-grain silver tipped hollow point bullets.
Because if there’s one thing crack dealers are totally unfamiliar with, it’s guns. They’ll never expect the white douchebag college professor to be packing heat.
Also, and I’m just speculating here, but Mike, you really might want to see a psychologist about that. Most enlightened men come to realize that it doesn’t really matter how big it is, and frankly, partners are usually willing to accept almost any size as long as you’re willing to take other steps to satisfy their needs. With therapy, hopefully you can come to accept yourself as you are, and stop looking to compensate for your perceived inadequacies.
When I approach a crack head I will first ask whether he paid income taxes last year. If he says “no” I will hand him $20.
If he says “yes,” I will kill him.
If your daughter asks me why I give money to people who don’t pay taxes I’ll remind her that this is what President Obama does.
Of course, even crack dealers pay taxes — sales taxes, property taxes, bribes to local officials, business taxes on their shell companies — but let’s not complicate the matter.
Also, I wasn’t aware that Barack Obama’s fiscal plan was handing out $20s to crack dealers, but it’s a start.
Then I’ll ask her if she still believes in “spreading the wealth” without regard to individual merit.
And she’ll say “no,” because she’ll realize that Dr. Mike S. Adams is a professor at a state school, and therefore gets money from the state of North Carolina, clearly without regard for merit.
By the end of the afternoon, I can guarantee your daughter will be cured of her STD. Sorry if I sound overly optimistic, Steve. I got my optimism from the same place I got my love of capitalism. I learned it from Ronald Reagan, not Barack Obama.
Nobody tell Mike S. Adams that the top marginal tax rate was higher under Reagan than it is under Obama. His head might explode.
Oh, and near as I can tell, Mike S. Adams has proposed giving $4000 to drug dealers as a way to prove that socialism is bad. Adams is doing this to prove the inherent superiority of conservatism. But conservatives came up with that idiotic plan. Which pretty much proves, once and for all, that this guy’s daughter is right.
And fortunately, she’s smart, and when she decides once and for all to leave her druggie brother and asshole father behind, she’ll do very well for herself, whether or not her dad decides to give her the money.
(Via Sadly, No!)
Oh, and for the record — yes, I totally get the not-at-all-veiled racism of Mike S. Adams’ proposal. When snarking in an overwhelmingly target-rich environment, one sometimes has to leave a few things unsnarked. I do find it incredibly telling that Adams’ master stroke is to take the girl’s money and give it to
black peopledrug dealers, because then she’ll be totally convinced that helping others is the worst thing ever, rather than that with some institutional support, these drug dealers could be instead productive members of society.Are you sure this guy’s not a put-on? This looks like an almost textbook parody of tighty-rightyness.
I think it’s unlikely that this guy actually has any friends. I think he’s making this “friend” and his daughter up.
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I can’t tell if this is a real part of the story or if Adams is trying to claim that Obama wants to reward low-income people for punching rich people in the face. Did I miss the page of legislation that will rescind criminal laws about assault and battery? Or does Adams consider prison to be a reward?
Who “somehow teaches” at UNC? What the heck – there’s plenty of left-wing douchbags that teach at major universities. After all, my very own alma mater is afflicted with Noam Chomsky. I thought universities were supposed to be diverse.
Sure we do. But that doesn’t mean that they’re going to make good decisions, or that we have to be happy or accepting of the decisions they make. We want our children to think for themselves and stand on their own two feet, but we also want them to make sound decisions both materially and spiritually.
O.K. Hopefully this was tongue in cheek, but given Chicago politics and practices I just want to point out that a) bribes aren’t taxes, and b) their effects are actually destructive of effective taxation, as they simply personally enrich the corrupt official without being put to public use and also generally result in actual taxes being paid out to corrupt contractors who waste at least part of the tax money they are given to enrich themselves without delivering concomitant goods or services to the public.
I’m not going to go through the rest of this – this guy may well in fact be full of $hit on what he’s been telling his daughter. The boss just materialized and has a job for me.
RonF,
So far as I know, Chomsky doesn’t find it suspect that a young woman might have different political opinions than her father’s. This makes him materially different from Adams when it comes to whether they belong on the faculty of an educational institution (as opposed to, say, a religious one — it’s quite reasonable for a nunnery to expect women to stay within the faith of their fathers).
The city of Chicago gives contracts to deal crack? I guess times are hard and licensing fees necessary to city coffers…
That “Feminist Critics” blog is intensely irritating, but he’s right about the small dick joke. That was childish, and enforcing gender stereotypes in an offensive way.
For the record, if you’re trying to convince your child that their newly acquired world view is incorrect and unfair, the last thing you want to do is drag actual cash money and promises into it.
Because “That Rock N Roll rots your brain, so see how you like not having an allowance” writ large is not a persuasive argument.
Also I’m admittedly no weapons expert, but “a .357 magnum loaded with 145-grain silver tipped hollow point bullets” sounds a lot to me like someone who similarly knows fuckall about firearms stringing together important sounding words her heard in a movie. I do know a .357 Magnum is a hefty gun, more than you should use in one hand. And in his role as escort-cash distributor, he probably has his other hand full.
Also, are all crack dealers werewolves or something?
This guy is amazingly horrible in all ways, but the premise that it is only conservative fathers who expect and demand that their daughters agree with their political beliefs into adulthood is just that, a premise without anything to back it up at all. I grew up on the left, far left, maybe longer ago than some others here, but there was no lack of expectation by many fathers that their daugthers mirror their beliefs and no shortage of abusive fathers either. I won’t comment on Chomsky except to say I think if you have not met him nor his daughter it is a little much to speculate on their relationship.
Patriarchy comes in all classes, all political classes, all segments of society, to pretend that it does not does a disservice to women and girls who grew up/are growing up with oppressive fathers who happen to be progressives.
How does Mike S. Adams know where to find a crackhouse? Did he Google it? Because I live in Brooklyn, and I certainly couldn’t tell you where to find one around here.
Mousie, if you take out the conservative/liberal thing, or switch it, is this not still ridiculous? Some liberals and some conservatives demand that their children (of all sexes) have the same political views they do; few want their children to have the opposite view, but that’s not the same thing as demanding. Some parents (of all political stripes) are abusive, and that’s bad, but Jeff is hardly endorsing that.
Anonymous,
While any authoritarian ideology (including communism, if this is the sort of far leftism of which you were speaking) necessarily will include a prohibition on dissent, this is NOT part of the liberal tradition. You’ve just illustrated why it’s a bad idea to use “liberal” and “left” (or “progressive”) interchangeably.
This is hilarious. Oh, but “Program to cure your daughter’s Socialist Teaching Disorder” is clearly the wrong title. How about “Fundamentally Damaging Your Relationship With Your Daughter in Three Easy Steps”? Or maybe “Killing Her Last Shreds of Respect for Your Political Beliefs”?
Maybe it’s only funny to me because I have in-laws who think this guy is brilliant…
Maybe it’s only funny to me because I have in-laws who think this guy is brilliant…
My conservative, evangelical Christian mother-in-law once told me, “I figure I can go on a rant every time one of my kids says or does something I disagree with, or I can have a relationship with my children. I’d rather have a relationship with my children.”
If my son grows up to be radically opposed to my values, I hope I have that same grace. (And, if only my father-in-law could take the same tack …)
My Republican dad sent his three daughters off to college and two of the three came back as Democrats (the third has a mix of political preferences that don’t map onto either party well, and isn’t very interested in politics). He goes on rants all the time, and we rant back at him, and for a guy coming out of hyper-patriarchal culture, he’s pretty respectful of his daughter’s arguments. My little sister, bringing home everything she learned in her public health classes at Brown, even convinced him that we should go to single-payer health care. He jokes about paying so much in tuition for educations that taught his daughters how to argue with him, but he’s actually quite proud of it and will even repeat our arguments to other people.
The problem is not political disagreement between the generations, or even argument, but a lack of respect for one’s children and their abilities to formulate their own reasoned opinions. If you think your daughters are categorically inferior to you, or that there is no way that an opinion different from yours can have any reasoning behind it, you inevitably will be like Mike Adams and his “friend.”
I think it depends on how you read “rant.” Is it an impassioned argument? Or is it a demeaning lecture?
And I should add that in their context, it’s not just politics. It’s everything about how they live their lives that contradicts their parents’ values. That may well be true in your family as well, but I wanted to clarify that.
So your response to his offensive joke about STDs is to make an offensive joke about the size of one’s genitals? I thought this was a place that opposed ridiculing people about their bodies…
Dr Mike Adams, like most people on the right in the US, is a hack. He’s in it for the money and wants to create controversy so he will get more attention. If you are reading this Mike I’m saying this as someone who’s political beliefs are mostly Conservative (I can still be liberal about a lot of things mind you – like healthcare reform!), is anti-abortion and thinks that guns (in the rights hands) look pretty cool. Sorry if this doesn’t coressepond to your simplistic, narrow, black and white, blinkered view of the Universe. :)
Also I’m admittedly no weapons expert, but “a .357 magnum loaded with 145-grain silver tipped hollow point bullets” sounds a lot to me like someone who similarly knows fuckall about firearms stringing together important sounding words her heard in a movie.
Make that ‘misheard in a movie’. ‘Silver tip’ is a Winchester brand, and refers to the colour, not the metal. Silver tipped bullets are for hunting werewolves. Otherwise, a .357 magnum with Silver Tip bullets isn’t an unusual choice… especially for people who want to appear tough and rich.
It fit with the rest of the bad judgment and disgusting posturing. But I have to agree that the small dig joke and the ‘racist!’ dig were in poor taste. I would bet dollars to donuts that Mr. Adams is a racist with a truckload of insecurities. But he said nothing racist (a crack user is still most likely to be a poor white) and ‘small dick’ is not a shortcut for ‘insecure’ anymore that ‘lame’ is a shortcut for ‘worthless’.
Mike S Adams makes me vomit. He is the opposite to the nature of human rights and his views are not that far from Hitler’s.
It’s sarcasm for goodness sake!