Some of you may have wondered why I haven’t put any posts up here in a while. The short reason is that my personal life has exploded in several dozen directions. The long reason has to do with the personal, the political and the etiquette of guest blogging.
I could tell plenty of stories about feminist issues. My brush with the fear of rape that my nominal male privilege has thus far protected me from. Being centre stage at a slut-shaming. How violently irritating it is to hear racist or classist jerks talking about poor (mainly black) women “squirting out babies”. The way people who would unhesitatingly class themselves as pro-woman slip almost without realising it into treating a pregnant woman as a walking incubator. And, as of last night, how it feels when your ex-boyfriend seems to have taken a deep draught from the fountain of Men’s Rights idiocy.
I could tell all these stories, but I don’t know if I could make them about anything more than “this happened to me, and it sucks”. I used to pride myself on being able to turn my personal experiences into essays about more universal truths, but these stories are too new, too raw for me to manage that. And I want to have something to say: I don’t want to turn Amp’s excellent blog into a forum for my woes.
So I’m trying to work out whether my experiences, written out as calmly as I can manage, are something worth saying. If they’re not, I’ll have to go on hiatus until my life is sufficiently stable that I can relate my experiences to a coherent philosophical outlook; if they are, I’ll gladly stay and share them.
Maybe you could get a seperate blog if you feel stuff is too personal for here but still want to blog on it.
Ugh. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of that. Let it set awhile and see what comes out of it. Write about it in a private journal to sort it out first.
I always put things too personal for my public blog in a personal diary. I agree. Some things are just too close to home for everyone to see.
*hugs*
I agree with Sheelzebub. Sometimes writing things on paper in a personal journal helps you distance yourself from events and gives you the perspective to deal with things better, plus when you get ready to blog about it, you will have both the memory of what happened and the captured “feel” of the moment from the entry that can help hone your post. (Not that you need much honing, from what you’ve had up in the past.)
Sorry your life is getting away from you – I hope you can catch up to yourself soon.
If you would like to write about any of these things publically, then I would like to read them whether or not they form a coherent philosophical outlook. Otherwise, I shall provide waves of sympathy.
I hope all the people being idiots stop it, and that you process all their previous idiocy well and productively. Or at least that you feel better, which is nearly the same thing.
I just hope you’re ok.
Aw crap Nick, that all sounds horrible. I hope things get better fast.
Nick,
If anything, we ought to be personal.
I have to tell you, I look for your name on the threads, and when I see it I listen up. I like what you have to say, and find your comments very in-formative. I have been brought to think about issues in a very different way because of your questions and comments.
I personally have been coming to see the suffering many of us go through as a way of stripping us and turning towards God and others who are suffering. It is of little consequence at times though while we are in it. We are saddened to know you are having a tough time right now.
I would hope that should your personal thoughts be seen, that folks would respect that and respond to the thoughts and not to you. (I know, wishful thinking.) You are a real human being though, in a world that seems at times to be filled with something else. Long after the eons have blown the dust away, someone will dig into the soil and hold up your bones and say, “Look! This was once a person, a human being!” We are better for your being here, we miss you. Blessings.
I hope things get better and that you kick ass and take names.
Nick…you just did share.
The result: our collective concern and sympathy.
Life just isn’t neat and tidy in a manner that allows the total seperation of experience from opinion. Opinion is shaped by experience. Experience guides actions, thoughts, and future endeavors.
It is all too natural to guard that which is freshest, but it is also healthy to turn that raw reality into words and deeds. Artists turn pain, suffering, frustration, and the like to art all the time. It makes the commentary that much more rich; all the more honest and real. It gives weight and depth; it adds credibility.
So, don’t fret. We will support and empathize with you on any venture. That is part of the reason for this community and these many blogs. They are outlets.
Moreover, smack that X of yours and tell him to get his shit together! :-)
Bottom-line: don’t sweat it, we will be here when you are ready to dive in full force. Until then, we all hope you are OK and shouldn’t worry if we are still here. We will always be here.
For what it’s worth, I really like reading your writing – writing about your woes included – and would welcome anything you wanted to post here.
Frankly, I think you have a lot less faith in your writing than I do; your posts will improve “Alas,” not make it worse. Take my word for it. :-)
Nick, Obviously I have never met you personally, but I read your self-description, and you seem like the kind of person I would definitely enjoy breaking bread with. For that reason, I must express my concern for your well-being as well as that of your child. Your “trusted male friend” is starting to show the abuse/control issues that could ruin your lives if you are not careful. Avoid filing for any social services if you can, because they will hammer you for the name of the father and force you to get child support. I would even avoid getting the father’s name on the birth certificate. I hope that this guy never takes you to court for joint custody, because if he does, he could control how you raise your child, where you live, and any “relevant” details of your lifestyle for the next 18 years. And the fact is, you may be cool with your gender issues, I may be cool with your gender issues, but what about some Republican family court judge? Don’t bet on it. If this idiot wants to make an issue of it, you could lose custody, and I’m not kidding. I don’t have custody, and I have a pretty white-bread lifestyle. But I was married to a man who turned out to have extensive abuse/control issues, and controlling my child as a way of hurting me for leaving him was his number one strategy. Please stay alert with your eyes wide open. You do not want a life where your baby is ripped out of your arms, while your trusted friend, now “born-again” with new pretty blond wife on his arm waltz off with your child. Trust me, it could happen.
silverside: believe me, I’ve considered all the points, and taken legal advice on many of them, but given the laws in this country and my situation, there’s not a lot I can do to protect myself beyond hoping for a sympathetic court. There is no way I can feed myself and my child without welfare, and yes, they will make my revealing the identity of the father a condition.
From my experience of my ex, he doesn’t have what it takes to find a shiny new wife, or even to apply for custody. I know that’s not much of a safeguard, and it chills me to know how much power he has, but it’s all I’ve got.
This is what you need to beware of. If you do not have health insurance, and have the baby on medicaid, the authorities will definitely be interested in hitting up on dad for his resources. This is not anti-father’s rights. It’s anti-working class, anti-universal health care. The would-be dad will become increasingly hostile, especially when they start wanting to cream off 19% (give or take) of his income. He will see a lawyer. His lawyer will advise him to get as much visitation as possible, even if we are talking about a newborn just starting to nurse who desparately needs a consistent, loving caretaker (e.g. a mom). Not being traded back and forth between people with no relationship like some sort of baseball card. Yea, older kids who have already established a relationship with a father–visitation is great, yada yada. The same does not go for infants, and the literature backs this up. The more caregivers and brand new situations they are exposed to, the more they tend to get agitated. If “daddy” consistently brings back the baby hungry, overtired, with filthy diapers, good luck finding anybody at family court who will even give a sh–. They’ll just accuse you of “maternal gatekeeping” or whatever the sin du jour is labeled. If the baby is confused going from breast to bottle and back again, if you are having trouble maintaining your milk supply because the baby is gone too much, good luck. You just don’t need this. Your baby just doesn’t need this. Will your child benefit from a relationship with the father? Maybe. But not if the father is abusing the baby’s right to bond to one primary caretaker that s/he can count on. I’m also not too impressed with another commentator who said something about “daddy” showing up in 10 years to claim his “rights.” Who needs it? Does your child benefit from such impermanence and unpredictability? Put as much space as you can between you and the whack-job sperm donor. He sounds like trouble. In fact, I would consider moving with no forwarding address if I were you. And you know what? When you fill out the birth certificate, you just “don’t remember” who the father was. Sorry if I sound paranoid, but I’ve been there, done that, and didn’t get any stinking t-shirt. You could lose everything. I did, and I know a lot of women who have.
Data and research from liznotes that may be of use to you.
Myth — Babies will be better “socialized” if they get used to a variety of caregivers, rather than depending on just one.
Fact: “The most important relationship in a child’s life is the attachment to his or her primary caregiver, optimally, the mother. This is due to the fact that this first relationship determines the biological and emotional ‘template’ for all future relationships. Healthy attachment to the mother built by repetitive bonding experiences during infancy provides the solid foundation for future healthy relationships. In contrast, problems with bonding and attachment can lead to a fragile biological and emotional foundation for future relationships.”
Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D, Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children,ChildTrauma Academy, Parent and Caregiver Education Series; Volume 1, Number 4, October, 1999
Also see: Odent, Michele “The Scientification of Love,” Free Association Books/ London/ New York, 1999; Janov, Arthur, “The Biology of Love;” Prometheus Books, New York, 2000; Lewis, Thomas, Amini, Fari, & Lannon, Richard, “A General Theory of Love,” Random House, New York, 2000; Pearce, Joseph Chilton, “The Biology of Transcendence,” Inner Traditions – Bear & Co., 2002; Heath, R. G. (1975): “Maternal-social deprivation and abnormal brain development: Disorders of emotional and social behavior,” In Brain Function and Malnutrition: Neuropsychological Methods of Assessment (Prescott, J.W., Read, M.S., & Coursin, D.B., Eds). John Wiley, New York;
Fact: “Results for very young infants who spend more than thirty hours a week in the more institutionalized settings, where a few caregivers struggle to meet the needs of many infants, or for children who bounce from one facility to another, are less [than] encouraging… Not only can effects be seen in the way infants respond to their mothers, but also in the way mothers respond to their babies, who are already harder to soothe. Mothers who used daycare more than thirty hours a week tended to be less sensitive with their six-month-olds, more negative with fifteen-month-olds, than mothers who used daycare ten hours a week… Experts differ over just how flexible, how adaptable, human infants might be, yet no one is saying that human adaptability provides a carte blanche for indiscriminate care.”
Hrdy, Sara Blaffer. Mother Nature: A History of Mothers, Infants, and Natural Selection, 1999. pp 506-7.
Fact: A new study released in 2003 by Carol George and and Judith Solomon of Mills College found that two-thirds of 12- to-18 month-olds who regularly spent overnight visits away from their mothers exhibited disorganized attachment to both their mothers and fathers, compared with babies who were not subjected to this arrangement (e.g. who saw their fathers only during daytime visits.)
George, Carol and Judith Solom. OVERNIGHT VISITS AFFECT BABIES’ ATTACHMENT TO SEPARATED OR DIVORCING PARENTS http://www.newswise.com/articles/2003/4/DIVORCE.MLS.html
Comment: The study news release [4-3-03] optimistically proclaims that “overnights per se” were not the sole factor that caused the problems. However, confounding factors were those virtually certain to be present in contested custody disputes, e.g. disagreement and emotional tension between the parents, inconsistency in parenting, inability of the parents to communicate harmoniously.
Ibid.
Fact: “Secure attachment is understood to be an important feature of adjustment in infants and children, much of which is organized in the child’s earliest experiences. The mother is presumed to be the only attachment figure before Lamb, among other researchers, conducted a series of studies to determine the conditions under which infants and toddlers preferred mothers over fathers (e.g., Lamb, 1976a, 1977a, 1977b). Attachment relations were not restricted to mothers. Children chose the available parent under distress, and when both parents were available, the mother was preferred.”
National Center on Fathers and Families, Father Presence Matters: A Review of the Literature, Toward an Ecological Framework of Fathering and Child Outcomes, by Deborah J. Johnson http://fatherfamilylink.gse.upenn.edu/org/ncoff/litrev/fpmlr.htm; Lamb, M. E. (1976a). Interactions between two-year-olds and their mothers and fathers. Psychological Reports, 38, 447-450; Lamb, M. E. (Ed.). (1976b). The role of the father in child development. New York: Wiley; Lamb, M. E. (1977a). The development of mother-infant and father-infant attachments in the second year of life. Developmental Psychology, 13, 637-648; Lamb, M. E. (1977b). The development of parental preferences in the first two years of life. Sex Roles, 3.
Nick, as one of the other guest bloggers (and also extremely pregnant ones!), I applaud your posts and look forward to them. As I’ve told Amp in the past, the neat thing about opening up to the different perspectives of guest bloggers is that the blog becomes more than a single issue or tune blog. People are getting all sorts of unique perspectives and editorials written by individuals, and able to pick and choose from a variety of topics to talk about.
I think what you bring to the table is in fact the more personal ‘diaries’ that give people an inside look into a very unique perspective that otherwise isn’t always available, at a place that is a bit more high-profile than a newly started blog.
I’d say spill it all (or at least all that you’re comfortable with)!