Be a Real Man, the Mike S. Adams Way

Ah, Mike Adams. You remember Mike Adams; he’s the UNC-Wilmington professor who singlehandedly devalues my friend’s brother’s college degree, the idiot who once argued that we should end abortion so women will stop having sex.Well, Mike Adams is back. Truthfully, he never went away, but he writes at Townhall, so his insanity is often obscured by all the other insanity over there. Today, Dr. Mike explains what we men need to do to be Real Men, not crappy, non-Mikelike men. It starts off almost, almost sane. But it goes wrong, quickly. And soon, it is amazingly, horribly wrong. But like a car wreck, you can’t turn away. And the ending gives the lie to any idea that Dr. Mike is worried about men at all.

A divorced friend of mine was complaining to me recently about the pool of women available to him here in the coastal Carolina region. His specific complaint was that too many (I think he said “all”) of the women were carrying too much baggage to have a successful relationship.

Here’s a friendly tip to all people who find “all” women/men/eunuchs/whatever to be carrying too much baggage/too angry/too distant/too revulsed to date. If everybody you meet is horribly wrong for you, then you need to take a look and see what the constant in those releationships is. I’ll give you a hint: it’s you.

I’m so tired of hearing “men” make this complaint that I’ve made it the subject of today’s column.

Hark! What’s this? Is Mike Adams — the Mike Adams who once compared feminists to Charles Manson — could he be about to defend women?

The thesis of my rebuttal is really simple: It is not entirely fair and accurate to say that most adult women are carrying a lot of “baggage” or have a lot of “issues.” (Remember when people used to have problems, not issues?). It is much more accurate to say that most adult women are profoundly wounded and scarred by the things that “men” have done to them when they were not really acting like men.

Well, sort of; he’s going to blame all women’s problems on men’s actions. And what actions are these? Well, let’s find out, shall we?

Real Men Do Not Go To Topless Bars. I wrote about this topic two years ago in a column called “I Had a Dream.” But, it is worth repeating that topless bars are little more than fronts for organized crime. This includes the punks who operate the strip club near UNC-Wilmington. These people take women with low self-esteem – often victims of sexual abuse – and get them hooked on cocaine that is sold in their club (again: an organized crime front). To the extent that “men” frequent these places, they fund the destruction of the life of someone’s daughter. This is a disgrace and no such “man” can even remotely be characterized as a Christian.

The topless bar was no place for a Christian, and I did not long remain one.

I kid, of course; I’m not a big fan of strip clubs. Indeed, that makes it sound like I’ve spent enough time in strip clubs to decide whether I’m a fan or not, but I haven’t — I’ve been to a grand total of zero strip clubs in my life, and am not in a hurry to change the number. The closest I’ve come is when some friends and I went to see “Crazy Girls” in Las Vegas — a decision we regretted before the show was over.

I’m kinda, sorta with Dr. Mike on this one. I don’t go to strip clubs for the reason he says — I don’t like contributing to enterprises that degrade and demean women. That said, if there was a hypothetical strip club where the entertainers were truly choosing to be there, I’d have no problem with it.

Of course, my decision to not go to strip clubs is based more on my belief that women are human beings than that women are pure vessels of virginity. This may not seem like a major distinction now, but it will be.

Real Men Do Not View Pornography. I recently asked an Obama supporter whether he ever viewed pornography on the internet. He said he did “occasionally.” I asked whether he would ever want his daughter to star in a porn flick. He said “never.” When I reminded him that the porn star has parents, too, he vowed to reconsider his continued viewing of internet pornography.

Something that “men” who view pornography do not realize is that it trains the mind to be sexually stimulated by seeing images of many different people nude and engaged in certain acts. Eventually, the viewer becomes unable to be stimulated by just one person. Thus, a “man” who views pornography is much more likely to hurt his wife by engaging in adultery. And when he’s caught, he’s much more likely to hurt his children with a painful divorce. Those who believe that porn affects only the viewer are simply uneducated, dishonest, or both. Where there is pornography, there is also co-lateral damage.

I love this one; of course an Obama supporter views pornography, the bastard. He probably masturbates too!

Look, as with the strip clubs, my view on pornography is centered around the fact that the porn industry is not pro-woman in any sense of the word. I’m a sentimental guy; I tend to think that sex should be fun for all participants, be it the man, the woman, the other man, or the other woman. I don’t get off on degradation. And so mainstream porn hasn’t ever held much allure to me, because, frankly, much of mainstream porn is about degradation.

That said, let’s draw a bright, shiny line here, because Dr. Mike seems to be confused about something: pornography does not prime people to be attracted to other people. Pornography is a function of people being attracted to other people. Lots of other people. If you’re a het guy or a lesbian girl, those people are going to be primarily women; if you’re a het girl or a gay guy, those people are going to be primarily men. If you’re bisexual, it’ll be everyone.

Not looking at pornography does not keep a man or woman from noticing an attractive woman or man who is not their spouse. Nothing will keep a sexually mature person from noticing attractive potential sexual partners. That’s not an excuse to cheat; if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, you don’t cheat because you don’t want to cheat, because you’ve accepted the trade-off of being with one person who you love deeply, rather than having many different partners with whom you have no strong connection. But that doesn’t mean you don’t notice people, or even fantasize about people from time to time. That’s not evil; that’s human.

Dr. Mike doesn’t understand humans. As you’ll see:

Real Men Do Not Have Sex With Women They Do Not Intend To Marry. I once read a survey indicating that the number of sex partners a woman has in a lifetime is only a fraction of the number of sex partners a man has in a lifetime. This can be explained by two factors: 1) men lie in an upward direction when asked how many people they’ve slept with and, 2) women lie in a downward direction when asked how many people they’ve slept with.

This becomes a problem later on in marriage when a woman is unable to forgive herself for having a lot of sex partners. This guilt is biologically, and not culturally, induced. And once a woman has lied about her past to a prospective husband, she cannot communicate with him about her guilt. The couple begins to have problems whose true origins are never addressed.

The only solution to this problem is for men to stop having sex with women they do not intend to marry. Men have it within their power to stop contaminating the future-wife pool. A little self-control can do a lot to strengthen a dying institution.

And here’s where things start to go very wrong indeed. First off, I love that Dr. Mike “read a study.” Well! That’s mighty specific there! I read a study that says Dr. Mike Adams is a huge douchebag. This can be explained by his douchebagginess. Second, I love that the concern is “contaminating the future-wife pool,” not, you know, being kind and decent to a fellow human being.

At any rate, yes, men do tend to brag about their number, while women tend to downplay theirs. Why? Well, Dr. Mike asserts that this is “biologically, and not culturally, induced.” His proof of this is (mumble mumble mumble). But of course, arguing that women have no cultural pressure to minimize the number of sex partners they have is complete and utter bullshit. When police officers are publicly slut-shaming high school girls over their MySpace pages, it’s pretty clear that we as a culture are sending really, really, really strong messages that a girl who likes it is a slut. Meanwhile, a boy who likes it is a stud. Golly, I just don’t know why it is that women then feel guilty if they’ve had sex with eight partners while their husbands have only had sex with four. I don’t know where the pressure for women to lie comes from. Must be biological, probably something hard-wired in the Madeitupital Lobe, where the Slutdometer is.

You know what would ease a woman’s guilt about having a lot of sex partners before marriage? We as a society could stop worrying about how many sex partners women have. If you’re dating a woman who’s purely virginal or had 150 partners, what do you care, if you’re the current one? Yes, it’s okay to care if suddenly you find you’re not the most recent one, at least if you’re in a monogamous relationship. But that’s true no matter what your girlfriend’s number is, or yours is.

Seriously, what do you care who she dated before she was with you? What should she care who you dated before you were with her? None of the parts wear out, folks. Indeed, evolution has made them extremely resilient.

And of course, there are boys and girls out there who are quite happy having sex with people they don’t intend to marry. There are boys and girls who settle down without guilt — or indeed, who never choose to settle down. But they never enter Dr. Mike’s brain.

And finally, the deep guilt the hypothetical woman felt about deceit might be valid — deceit, after all, is a cancer that destroys relationships. But that deceit need never have happened if she and her partner felt comfortable enough with themselves to accept each other as they are — and present themselves as they are. I’d much rather be in a relationship with a woman who had dozens of partners and was generally sanguine about it than a relationship with a woman just out of a divorce with the only man she’d ever been with — because the number isn’t important. And my number — which is low — isn’t important either, and doesn’t make me less or more of a real man. And only an idiot thinks otherwise.

Now, we’re about halfway through, and you may have noticed something: all of Dr. Mike’s arguments about being a “Real Man” are really about women. None of this is about telling the truth because it’s the right thing to do, or being careful about getting involved in relationships because they can scar your heart, and cause you to have trouble relating to others. No, Dr. Mike is all about telling men how they need to ignore their sex drive entirely and this will somehow make women happy.

It’s going to get worse, though.

Real Men Do Not Engage In Post-Marital Sex. Saying “I used to be married” is a pretty lame excuse for engaging in post-marital sex. And, if you have children, especially girls, there’s a really good reason to avoid it. Put simply, if you have young girls and you start having sex after marriage your girls will find out about it from your ex-wife. Of course, your ex-wife will have learned about it from your mutual friends.

There’s a good chance that your young daughters will still look up to you even after a nasty divorce. They may want to marry someone with many of your qualities. Don’t send the message that they need to sleep with such a man in order to get his attention.

Um…Dr. Mike? My sex life is none of my daughter’s business, and I’m not going to involve her in it. One can be discreet about having sex, after all, and frankly, I don’t want my daughter to have to think about my sex life ever.

But adults have sex. If my ex-wife ever starts dating, she and her boyfriend will at some point have sex. If I ever start dating, my girlfriend and I will at some point have sex. When my daughter’s an adult and dating, at some point she and her partner will have sex. Having sex with your partner is a practice that predates humans by hundreds of millions (if not billions) of years.  It’s pretty damn natural, and it’s something most humans really, really enjoy. Not all humans — some don’t care much for sex, and that’s fine for them. But most of us enjoy it quite a bit, and given the opportunity, most of us will engage in it.

And you know what? That’s okay. I’m okay with the idea that my daughter will some day have sex, even (gasp!) outside the bonds of holy matrimony, even for reasons other than procreation.

Sex is not evil. Running your children through a whipsaw series of paramours may be, but that’s true whether you’re all canoodling or simply coming over for dinner and nodding chastely across the table. It is emotional connections that play havoc with children and adults alike.

Finally, Dr. Mike brings home the stupid:

Real Men Never Relinquish the Role of Spiritual Head of the Household. God did not give the Ten Commandments to a woman. Nor did He send his only begotten daughter to save womankind. If your potential spouse has trouble understanding this, you need to reconsider your relationship. And once your children are grown, your leadership obligation continues. If your child has strayed spiritually – whether into paganism or atheism – it may or may not be the result of poor modeling on your behalf. Regardless, men have an obligation to fight for their children’s spiritual redemption. A man’s willingness to do so determines whether he leaves behind a legacy that glorifies God or one that glorifies Satan.

And here we go. Women are inferior — God didn’t choose them to give his commandments to. Men are in charge of their families. Paganism and atheism are evil. Not forcing your children into Christianity is leaving a legacy of evil. And make no mistake — your children are yours, not your wife’s, not themselves — they are your possessions, reflections of you. And what you do with them determines your legacy, not what you do yourself.

In short, real men are the boss. They stay the boss, even after divorce. They are the boss of their children, forever. And any woman who doesn’t accept that isn’t someone you should be dealing with. Only if you are an asshole willing to tell your wife and children what to believe and demand they believe it — fight for it, fight on behalf of Jesus against Satan — only then can you be a real man.

Dr. Mike leaves us with this teaser:

In a future installment, I will deal with the issue of “real women.” That installment will talk about the things women are doing to hurt other women. “Real Women” will include, among other things, a comprehensive discussion of fake boobies, why I don’t like them, and how they contribute to global warming.

Well, Dr. Mike certainly has his finger, ahem, on the pulse of what ails women. Given what an awesome job he did at explaining to me how I can never be a real man unless I force my daughter to choose Jesus no matter what my ex or my daughter thinks, I can’t wait to see what he thinks real women are supposed to be like.