I would like to announce that after an exhaustive and thorough investigation conducted by myself, it turns out I am not, in fact, the Shakopee Slasher.
While a strong amount of evidence seemed to indicate that I was the serial killer who, for fourteen years, murdered dozens of innocent young men by ritualistically disembowling them with a scythe — evidence such as my extensive collection of scythes, my cache of lye, the fact that 43 bodies were discovered on my property, and the fact that I confessed to the crimes, saying that my only regret is that I didn’t kill more — my own investigation shows that I was at home those 39 different nights, asleep in my bed, with my cat, Snuggles.
This is, of course, a load off my mind. In recent weeks, the thought that I might be the Shakopee Slasher was a heavy load. For one thing, it put me here on death row, a place that I’d rather not be. For another, it means that sausage is probably deer sausage, and perfectly good. But most important, it means that I am now free to pursue my candidacy for the Vice Presidency of the United States.
Now, some in the MSM may try to tell you that the evidence showing I am a serial killer is overwhelming. But you know how the MSM is. Who are you going to trust — me, or an effete liberal who hasn’t even known the glory of hacking into another human’s torso while they scream for mercy?
No, my report is thorough and airtight, and while others may have their opinions, I know that I am a good man, and that young men the ages of 23-25 with tatoos need no longer fear that I will lay in wait for them in the dark of night. Thank you, and God Bless America.
I never did ask you – where’d you get that picture? I’m considering seeing if I can sneak it into my company’s records as my official ID picture. Either that or I’ll print it out and tape it over mine on my ID.